Inescapable
by sassyduck
Summary: Some things are just meant to be, but that doesn't make them easy.  My imagining of how the Kaidan/f!Shep romance might go in ME3 from Kaidan's PoV.  M for eventual language and smut.
1. After Horizon

The seeker swarms were stinging him over and over and over again. His barrier was up and at full strength, but it wasn't doing anything. That seemed wrong, but he didn't have time to think about it. His arms were going numb, his jaw ached from him clenching his teeth, and still the Collectors were dragging the colonists away. They took everyone around him, each time staring at him and flaring their mandibles to taunt him before carefully packing another person he had sworn to protect into a pod. He tried to scream, to fight back, to do anything, but he was frozen, unable to do anything.

And then the Collectors stopped their labor, their ranks parting, the giant bugs kneeling to _her_. Or at least whatever was wearing her skin like a suit, since it couldn't actually be her. She would never betray these innocent people. She wouldn't have betrayed him! So it couldn't actually be her. The glowing red scars on her face, faint as they were, were just further proof that she was no longer his Shepard. That…_thing_ had been through too much surgery and bioengineering for any of the real her to be left.

She advanced on him, closing in until all he could see was her face. Those terrifying red lines still marred her once beautiful skin, but her eyes were the eyes he remembered, the eyes that he dreamt about more often than he cared to admit. They softened to an expression he remembered from two years ago, an expression he thought she saved for him, and the joy that flooded his heart healed it to an extent that hadn't seemed possible in the wake of her death. He wanted nothing more than to hold her again, to know that everything, from the ache that he had carried since her death to the thousands of missing people, everything that had gone wrong in the universe was going to be right again. He found himself suddenly free from the paralysis. So he reached for her.

Before he could touch her, she erupted in flames. She screamed for him to help her, to save her, that she loved him and didn't want to be alone any longer. He fought to reach her, but some unseen force kept pulling her out of reach. He ran after her, not willing to let anyone take her from him again, but she eluded him. If he could just run a little faster, stretch a little farther…he was so close…

Kaidan fell onto the floor next to his bunk, knocking the wind from his lungs. He lay there for a moment, stunned and disoriented, then smacked his forehead against the cold tile a few times. Slowly, he unclenched both his hands and sat up. 0400, according to his omni-tool. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. No way he'd be able to get back to sleep before he'd have to be up again. 'Might as well go for a run. Again,' he thought as he reached for his boots. The streets around his temporary apartment would be fairly deserted this early in the morning. The solitude his now regular early run afforded him gave him time to think and a much-needed opportunity to pull himself together before having to report in.

He had been cleared for active duty a few days after returning to the Citadel, but only because he had still been angry at and distrusting of Shepard and determined to find the truth about the colonist abductions, no matter where that lead his investigation. The doubt hadn't started creeping in until after the dreams had started a week or so later. What if he had been wrong? Councilor Anderson had finally admitted that he had seen Shepard before Horizon, that she had discretely asked about Kaidan. Her popularity made it hard for her to be a complete ghost, and her tenacity would have prevented her from sitting in some remote facility when the Reaper threat was still very real, and that was the only way he thought it possible for her to have stayed completely off radar for two whole years. According to Anderson, there hadn't been so much as a whisper about Shepard until a few weeks before she came to see him. Kaidan hated to admit it, especially since, if it were true, he had been a complete idiot, but Shepard's explanation seemed logical, if not entirely plausible. Especially since he now had first hand experience with the Collectors—and the bodies of even more advance Reaper-created husks than they had see on Eden Prime—on Horizon.

She still hadn't responded to his letter, and, while that pissed him off, perhaps it shouldn't surprise him. He wanted nothing more than to track her down and make her give him a response, _any_ response, but he was being sent to investigate a Collector sighting reported by the Turians. She had apparently survived for a little over two years without him. She could handle a few more months. Stopping the Collectors was more important. Shepard and their whole mess would just have to wait.


	2. The Relay

"Staff Commander, you have a message from Alliance Command waiting for you."

Kaidan nodded and made his way to his quarters, doing his best to hide a smile. He hadn't been with the Turian crew for more than a few weeks, yet he had apparently earned enough respect that some had begun to acknowledge his military rank. Being a valued officer was a higher honor for the service-minded race than being a Spectre, even if the latter came with greater galactic recognition. It was much needed progress with a crew that had a general dislike of biotics, especially since they had made no progress locating the Collectors or the source of the Turian distress call. If they didn't find something soon, the cruiser would have to go back on its normal patrol, and Kaidan would be left without any idea of what to do next.

He had been given a small cabin with barely enough room for a bunk and a private terminal, but he had it to himself and didn't have to sleep in a pod, so, as far as he was concerned, the captain's quarters wouldn't have pleased him more. He sat down at the terminal, loaded the decryption software from his omni-tool, and opened the message. It was a video file from Admiral Hackett. The short message read, "Intel intercepted this transmission from a human researcher based on Omega. Thought it might explain why you haven't had any luck. Report back to the citadel, unless you've found something since your last report."

Kaidan frowned. The video showed a mass relay, but the eezo core was a sinister orange instead of the brilliant blue every other relay he had ever seen was. He checked Hackett's message again. Omega? Then perhaps this was the Omega 4 Relay…it was no wonder that a researcher would want to film it, though Kaidan wondered what he could possibly learn about the Collectors from footage of a relay. The feed started to shake, and a large frigate appeared in view flying directly over the probe that housed the camera. The ship turned to align itself with the relay's approach corridor, and a brilliant orange thread snaked out to encompass it, illuminating the lettering on the side…'no…it _can't_ be…' he thought, rewinding the video and playing back the jump in slow motion until he could pause it at the exact frame he wanted. But there was no denying the proud silver gleam on the side of the ship that read _Normandy SR-2_ the moment before the frigate was launched off into space.

Kaidan stared at the monitor, shaking. It wasn't possible. She wouldn't have. Shepard had always been a little reckless, sure, especially when she had her mind set on something she thought was important, but she wasn't _suicidal_. Or, if she was, she certainly wouldn't drag an entire crew down with her. He did a quick search on the extranet. Maybe the video was of one of the other Omega relays, but, after skimming a few articles, his initial suspicion turned out to be accurate.

He stood up so fast that his chair hit the deck, and blue fire started sparking across his vision as he clenched and unclenched his fists. She hadn't even bothered to take five minutes to send him a brief reply to his letter, not even to apologize for letting him get his hopes up again, when it was all for _nothing_. She was an absolute _coward_ without so much as an ounce of compassion. He was going to wring her neck if he ever saw her again…

His biotic energy dissipated with a snap, and he collapsed on his bunk, suddenly weak. He was never going to see her again. Again. He wouldn't even be able to search the wreckage for her this time. He stared at the frozen image of the _Normandy_, trying to make it tell him why, _why_ had she done something so pig-headed. Maybe he should replay the video, to try and find something, _anything_ that would contradict what it told him the first time through…only, he hadn't let it play all the way through. The marker was only halfway across the play bar.

He leapt up and hit play, wondering what else could possibly be on the recording. A few seconds after the _Normandy's_ jump, the timestamp jumped forward almost an entire day. And then there was a blur in the distance behind the relay. A blur that turned into a ship as it slowed from its jump through space-time and headed back towards the camera…Kaidan wouldn't have believed that they had actually used the Omega 4 Relay were it not for the new scratches along the _Normandy's_ belly and a few holes clean through the hull. Shepard had found something on the other side of the relay—something incredibly hostile, from the looks of it—but she had survived, and she had returned.

Kaidan quickly shut down the terminal, took a moment to make sure he wasn't a complete mess, and hurried towards the bridge to tell the helmsman to chart a course for the Citadel. He wanted to be there. Yesterday. And when he found that woman, he was never letting her out of his sight again.


	3. A New Assignment

Kaidan waded his way through clumps of people milling about the embassy district of the Presidium trying not to hit anyone with the large seabag he had slung over one shoulder or the munitions case he was carrying in the other hand. He wished there had been time to stash them in a locker in the Alliance barracks, but Admiral Hackett had been clear—Kaidan was to head to the embassy immediately after docking and to not make any detours. He just hoped such urgency meant they had information on the Reapers, information on Shepard, or, best-case scenario, Shepard herself was here, re-united with the Alliance, and had a full plan of attack.

Kaidan opened his mouth to give Anderson's aide his name, but the small woman cut him off before he could say anything. "They're waiting for you inside, Staff Commander Alenko. Is there anything I can get you? The Councilor indicated you would be in meetings for a few hours, and he's already had lunch."

Kaidan's eyebrows snapped together. A few hours? This had to be more complicated than a simple de-brief of an unfruitful cruise. Why were things never simple? 'Good job with that mission. How are you doing? Fine? Good, now we want you to go here and do this and you're all set so off you go!' He rubbed his forehead wearily. "Coffee?" he asked.

The aide smiled. "There is a full service inside, as well as a selection of fruit and pastries. Please let me know if there is anything else you require." She went back to her work, barely giving him another glance. 'Efficient,' Kaidan thought as he made his way into Anderson's office, 'though I suppose you don't get to be one of the councilor's primary aides without a certain amount of drive.'

Anderson and Hackett were both seated, not at Anderson's desk, but at a large table in the opposite corner. The table was littered with data pads, charts, blueprints, and empty coffee cups. Kaidan came to attention and saluted when Hackett looked up. "At ease, Alenko. Stow your gear, grab some coffee, and join us. God knows we could use a fresh set of eyes."

Kaidan tucked his luggage into a corner, hastily added cream and sugar to a large cup of coffee, grabbed a banana for good measure, and lowered himself into the unoccupied chair. "Four days ago, Commander Shepard accepted a mission in the Bahak System as a personal favor to me," Admiral Hackett said, shuffling through papers until he found a simple galaxy map. "That's in the Viper Nebula, which is somewhere around here." He pointed to the very edge of the southerly arm of the galaxy, to an area as far from the galactic core as the Far Rim. "One of our deep cover operatives was captured by Batarians shortly after sending a message that she had found proof of an imminent Reaper invasion. I asked Shepard to extract our operative. One person can be discrete, and it would be impossible for Alliance command to sanction an official mission." The Admiral stood and, turning towards the view of the Presidium gardens, clasped his hands behind his back. "Last night, an asteroid was piloted into the system's mass relay minutes after the Normandy used it. The explosion incinerated the whole system, including over 300,000 Batarian colonists. An unfortunately high casualty, but one that has stalled the arrival of the Reapers, though we're uncertain exactly how much time it bought us."

Kaidan was rigid in his chair. Shepard had destroyed an entire populated system. She had destroyed a _mass relay_. "What proof did Shepard have of the invasion? Did she bring anything back that will convince the Council? The _Batarians_?" He sat in shocked silence as Admiral Hackett shook his head. Kaidan's mouth went dry. She killed 300,000 colonists, and all she would have when the Batarians came shouting was her word that sentient machines were about to kill us all. Even with Sovereign's attack on the Citadel, no one would believe her, and he wasn't sure Alliance command wouldn't just hand her over to prevent a war. "May I read her report?"

Hackett shook his head. "We don't have one." He held up his hands to prevent Kaidan from interrupting. "I told her to keep it. I'm pretty sure everyone in this room knows Shepard wouldn't have let it happen without a good reason." He paused, eyeing Kaidan skeptically. "Or did I read you wrong, Staff Commander?"

Kaidan shook his head. The Shepard he knew, the Shepard from two years ago, routinely went out of her way to save mere handfuls of people, much less entire planets full. There was no amount of personal danger—risking the Omega 4 Relay included, apparently—that had been too great if it meant protecting innocent people. It was one of the things that had made him fall in love with her—and had made him want to wring her neck whenever she decided to do something particularly risky. 'Perhaps she would even risk working with Cerberus,' a small voice in the back of his head whispered. 'If it were the only way to make real progress towards stopping the Reapers, would she just set aside her own qualms about the organization's past experiments in order to save everyone else? Could she let herself do anything else?'

He pushed the voice down. Now was definitely not the time to be arguing with himself. "No, sir, you didn't misjudge me. If you both believe her," he glanced at Anderson, who nodded in return, "then that is good enough for me. I would have liked to be able to hear what happened in her own words, but it isn't necessary." Kaidan paused, unsure of exactly what Hackett was implying. "If I may be blunt sir, why did you ask me here? Surely any evidence that could be presented against her is shaky at best."

Anderson shook his head. "You know as well as I do that politics is more about perception than fact. The Batarians will know Shepard was the last to leave the system, and that will be enough for some people to start asking the kinds of questions that the Prime Minister will find hard to ignore. Shepard will have to return to Earth to sit in a hearing sometime soon."

"She's already agreed to cooperate with a summons," Hackett interrupted. "Our main concern is maintaining control of the Normandy during the inquest. We need to make sure Shepard will have her ship and her crew back after the hearing, and that both are just the way she left tem." They both looked at Kaidan. "Anderson suggested you were the best candidate. As a Spectre, you can head off any Alliance opposition were you to take temporary control of the _Normandy_."

Kaida was dumbfounded. "You want me to maintain control of Shepard's ship. Filled with a _Cerberus crew_." He crossed his arms. "Yeah, that's going to go over really really well."

"There are fewer Cerberus operatives aboard than you might think," Hackett said quietly. "It's my understanding that the Collectors took most of them, and Shepard trusts those who remain. Besides, Shepard supplemented the given crew with some people you might recognize—and vice versa." He tossed Kaidan a datapad that held nothing more than a list: Chakwas, Diane; Chambers, Kelly; Daniels, Gabriella; Donnelly, Kenneth; Goto, Kasumi; Jack; Krios, Thane; Lawson, Miranda; Massani, Zaeed; Moreau, Jeff; Justicar Samara; Solus, Mordin; Taylor, Jacob; Urdnot Grunt; Vakarian, Garrus; Zora, Tali. 'Son of a bitch,' Kaidan thought. 'So that's where Joker disappeared to. We're going to have a chat next time we see each other.' Shepard had almost everyone from the original _Normandy_. She had also recruited several other species. Only about two thirds of the names seemed human. "This…is the _entire_ crew?" Kaidan asked, still skeptical. "How can they operate with so few? How did you even get this kind of intel…sir?"

"I debriefed Commander Shepard aboard the _Normandy_ at 0200 this morning," Hackett said, frowning. "I can assure you, the information is accurate."

"So what do you think, Kaidan?" Anderson asked. "Are you up to the task?"

Keep Shepard's ship and crew intact long enough for her to be able to get back to them? "Absolutely." Nothing would happen to her home while it was his to safeguard.

"Ok, it needs work, but here's what we've come up with so far…"

AN: Thank you to those of you who have subscribed, and thanks Aya001 for your review! I am planning on writing around 18 chapters and will do my best to publish a chapter every day (since I want to finish before ME3 comes out, and, if possible, before the demo is out). If you have a moment, please let me know what you think so far.


	4. Earth Calls

Shepard's scent enveloped him the moment before she kissed him. It was a tender kiss, the kind that seemed to go on forever, the kind that could make you forget a time when you hadn't been kissing. He knew he would never get enough of her, that moments like these were rare in their line of work, so he kept his eyes closed and held her and tried to memorize every detail so he would always have at lest a piece of her with him.

Eventually, what seemed like ages later, he pulled back slightly, his hands framing her warm face, her arms wrapped tightly around his waist. He just stared down into her eyes, watched them dilate as they adjusted to the sunlight that warmed him almost as much as her slight smile did. She was not the kind of woman who walked around grinning all the time—few career soldiers were—but Kaidan found that the smile that lurked in the corners of her mouth was infinitely more compelling, more uniquely her. It had become easy for him to see, though he was sure others missed it most of the time, and he loved being one of the few people able to share Shepard's secret jokes.

The skin under his fingers was becoming warmer. Thinking she was blushing, he opened his mouth to tease her, but a fine web of lines was spreading across her face and every other piece of visible skin. The lines turned into rapidly expanding gray fissures, drying the skin around them until it started to flake off. He frantically tried to brush them away, but his gentle caresses just made them bigger as her skin disintegrated in his hand. He cried out for help, for anything to make it stop, but it was too late. The woman he loved had completely turned to ash—even her slight smile.

Tears streaming down his cheeks, Kaidan reached out to touch the corner of her lips one last time, but when his two fingers came into contact with the flakey ash of her cheek, it was as if a bubble burst, the ash swirling around him, and the woman he had been kissing moments melted away, revealing a Collector.

She flared her pincers at him in a menacing grin, lowering into a crouch, preparing to pounce and tear him limb from limb.

He sprang up, his pistol at the ready as he searched the small room for hostiles. It took a moment for the lingering dream to fade, but he slowly regained his bearings in the accommodations Anderson had arranged for him inside the embassy.

He sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. 'God I hope those go away soon, or they're going to cause trouble when I get to the _Normandy_.'

* * *

><p>Once, Kaidan would have sat in the cockpit on approach to a new planet or station, but that was before various promotions had heaped greater and greater responsibility on his shoulders. Now, he knew he was better off going over the dossiers he had compiled on those of Shepard's crew he did not know one last time before he had to wipe the datapad. Miranda Lawson, Shepard's xo, was very well respected among the Alliance, even as a known Cerberus operative. Kaidan figured she was the highest ranking Cerberus operative aboard, so she would be the one most likely to cause problems. Hopefully Shepard had earned Lawson's loyalty. The Commander was good at that, making time to get to know each member of her crew, but Kaidan couldn't count on Lawson simply following Shepard's orders. He certainly hoped that a woman who had, if what Shepard said had been true, spent two years rebuilding the Commander would respect her enough to follow her orders, but he had to be ready to convince her that he was the right person to temporarily relieve Shepard.<p>

The rest of the crew didn't seem like a threat on paper, but an officer had to be prepared for surprises. There were Shepard's engineers, who had left the Alliance because it chose to discredit Shepard—and all her warnings that the war would not end with Sovereign—after her death. Jacob Taylor, too, left the Alliance after the Battle for the Citadel—

Kaidan's thoughts were interrupted by the pilot announcing that they would be docking soon. He sighed, fried the datapad's memory core, and made his way up to the bridge to find Anderson. The ship the recently promoted Admiral had been given was small, and, due to the sensitivity of their mission, they were operating on a skeleton crew. Aside from the two of officers, there were only three other servicemen—the pilot, a navigator, and an engineer. Anderson gave him a sidelong glance as Kaidan fell into parade rest beside him. Officially, Kaidan was simply there to make sure the admiral acquired Shepard without any hitches before he was headed off on a mission in the Traverse. None of the admirals wanted information about the _Normandy_ widely circulated, Hackett and Anderson because they didn't want people arguing over the commission of the ship when they planned to return it to Shepard as soon as possible, and the other admirals because they were worried the batarians would demand it as part of their reparations.

Kaidan was also there to help Anderson find and recruit James Vega as Shepard's personal guard. Vega had been selected because of some classified mission, and Anderson assured Kaidan of his combat skills and ability to be impartial, but Kaidan still had his reservations. Nothing, he knew, would be able to calm him until the inquest was over and Shepard was safe back aboard her ship.

* * *

><p>They docked in one of the more secluded areas of the station, one Shepard herself had selected for the exchange that was to take place the next day. They wouldn't have much time to exchange commanders before both ships would need to high tail it off the station. Hopefully they could be quick enough to avoid any unwanted attention. Kaidan spent the rest of the morning and the better part of the afternoon clearing the docking bay of extraneous cargo and scouting any possible entrances and exits while Anderson went off to try and locate Vega. The work was simple-minded, but Kaidan was meticulous in execution. He didn't want any surprises that could compromise the safety of Shepard or the <em>Normandy<em>.

He was just checking the field of vision on the last possible sniper nest when Anderson returned leading one of the biggest men Kaidan had ever seen. "Who's your new friend?" he asked Anderson when they met at the airlock.

"Turns out people are easier to find when someone calls in a favor from Aria herself. Staff Commander Alenko, meet Lieutenant Vega."

Kaidan nodded at the other man. Even if he wasn't the most skilled of fighters, his sheer size would intimidate most would-be attackers. "The perimeter is as secure as I can make it, sir. Perhaps we should consider radioing the _Normandy _and moving up the time of the meet."

* * *

><p>Kaidan hung back in the shadows as the <em>Normandy's<em> shuttle pulled in for a smooth landing near Anderson's ship. He and Anderson had agreed that it would probably be better if Shepard not see him before the inquest. She needed to be focused, and that meant not being distracted by…lingering doubts. That didn't mean that Kaidan was fond of the idea of sneaking around, or that he wasn't impatient for some time alone with Shepard so they could clear the air. Now just wasn't the right moment.

He watched as Anderson explained the absence of Shepard's replacement by saying that it was better for the temporary replacement to not be associated directly with Shepard in case the inquest went…poorly. She wasn't thrilled about it, but she seemed to accept the reasoning. Vega took her into custody—including handcuffing her, which made Kaidan's biotics flare—and he, Shepard, and Anderson boarded the ship and made a hasty departure, leaving Garrus, who had accompanied the Commander to the meet, alone and looking around warily.

Kaidan stepped out of the shadows and holstered his pistol as he approached Garrus. The turian kept his rifle half raised at him until Kaidan removed his helmet, and then he barked out a harsh laugh. "_You're_ the one the Alliance picked? Shepard is going to rip you a new one when she comes to relieve you, you know." His mandibles flared in amusement. "I can't wait."

Kaidan wanted to argue, but he knew it would be true, at least initially. "Good to see you too, Garrus." They made for the shuttle, not wanting to keep the _Normandy_ waiting longer than necessary. "What can you tell me about the Cerberus crew?"

* * *

><p>AN: Sorry I didn't get this one out in time. My daughter decided screaming was a much better idea than sleeping last night.<p> 


	5. Invasion

The shuttle's door slid open, and Kaidan found himself face to face with one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Her face, skin, was…too perfect, too flawless. There were no blemishes, no laugh or anger lines, no scars. No signs of having experienced any real emotions in the past thirty plus years. It was the complete opposite of Shepard's face.

"You must be Operative Lawson," Kaidan said, doing his best not to let the bile stinging the back of his throat affect his expression.

"Staff Commander Alenko, this certainly is unexpected." The Miranda smirked. "I didn't think we would be having the pleasure. Ever."

"Don't be absurd," Kaidan said cloyingly. "It certainly is not a pleasure. I am simply here to make sure Shepard gets her ship and her crew back just the way she left them. Regardless of those who might wish to undermine whatever she has managed to build for herself." 'So that she can disappear again until the next crisis?' he asked himself, not really sure whether to still be angry with her or not.

She gave him a tight smile. "Better not let any other Alliance personnel on, then. I should tell you that the Illusive Man is not exactly thrilled with some of Shepard's decisions from our last mission, either." She turned, leaving Kaidan standing by the shuttle but paused a moment before disappearing around a corner. "Without me, there would be no Shepard for you to mother hen. She would still be dead, or worse. So don't be looking for sabotage from my direction. I may not like it, but Shepard wants to cooperate with the Alliance." She gave him a measured look. "I'll let Garrus show you to the men's barracks."

* * *

><p>Hiding in the shadows of the outer planets of Earth's solar system was starting to get on Kaidan's nerves, though, to be honest, having to watch the ridiculous questions they were asking at Shepard's inquest via the extranet wasn't helping. They were questioning every decision she ever made, even the ones Kaidan knew, without a doubt, were the right ones. It didn't matter that she had gotten near perfect scores on every proficiency examination she had ever taken. It didn't matter that she had saved people from situations that had seemed impossible. They only brought up her mistakes. Jenkins's and Nihlus's deaths on Eden Prime. Ashley's death on Virmire. Even the destruction of the original <em>Normandy<em>, and they hadn't even gotten to her two year absence, the events of Horizon, or her run through the Omega 4 Relay yet, but Kaidan got the feeling that they would discount the data he had gathered on the Collectors completely, that the Alliance command's early suspicion that the colonist abductions had something to do with the rumors that Shepard was alive would somehow be a highlight of the proceedings when they finally got around to the events of the last few months.

At least most of the crew had warmed up to him, though Miranda still spent most of her times sulking in her office. He and Tali and Garrus were quickly becoming reacquainted, and Kaidan was fascinated to discover the strange paths their lives had taken. Tali had left the bashful girl from her pilgrimage behind and had become a more experienced and respected leader. Even her tech skills, which had been formidable to begin with, had improved, and Kaidan was learning some new and devious techniques from her. Garrus had been a little bashful and reluctant to talk about where he had gone at first, but, once he finally revealed that his newest facial scar came while he was besieged by three different merc groups simultaneously, there was no way Kaidan was letting him off the hook until he told the whole story. Most nights, the three could be found sitting around the mess table long after the meal simply catching up or re-telling old stories. Occasionally they were joined by other members of Shepard's new crew, though not very often or for very long. Thane seemed the most willing, though the drell rarely spoke unless asked a direct question. Kaidan still hadn't spent any quality time with Joke or Chakwas, though they were the ones he most wanted to question. Joker, at least, seemed to be avoiding him, and the right moment for Kaidan to go after them simply hadn't yet presented itself.

Kaidan was also having a hard time sleeping. The new _Normandy_ was a lot more like the old one than he had expected, and it seemed ghosts lingered for him even in some areas that had no resemblance to the original ship. He was fond of the starboard observation deck, which apparently Justicar Samara had used as her quarters before she got off on Omega. It was one of the few places that he could clear his mind, especially when the view was as impressive as it was now. They were running on only the bare minimum of systems and floating among Jupiter's sixty plus moons, and the sun, a mere half inch in the sky, was just coming over the planet's horizon. He smiled, thinking of a time when this would have seemed like the distant frontier. Life had been simpler eighty years ago, before interstellar travel, before there were other intelligent species, before actions had galactic implications.

The sun was distant enough that Kaidan could look directly at it and not hurt his eyes. It wasn't nearly as warm as on Earth, either, but he basked in its glow the best he could. One of the small oblong moons moved between the _Normandy_ and the sun, creating a black spot against the bright yellow background…but it didn't move back out again. Kaidan frowned. If anything, the spot's progress across the sun was _slowing down_. It couldn't be retrograde motion. Not from this angle. And it was becoming less circular by the moment, as if it were a large oval asteroid turning into profile. Something about it wasn't quite right. Kaidan strode purposefully towards the bridge, his uneasiness egging him on. Hopefully Joker wasn't asleep.

The ship was completely deserted at this time of night, and Kaidan's footsteps echoed even more than usual as he made his way through the CIC. He was relieved to find Joker at the helm, a steaming cup of coffee in one hand. "Staff Commander Alenko," he said without so much as glancing up from a datapad.

Kaidan shifted uneasily. "I wish you wouldn't call me that, like we've never been friends."

"You and Shepard were friends once too, but we saw how well that went." Joker set aside the datapad and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Is there a reason you're inflicting your unnatural wakefulness on me, or did you just feel like arguing with someone?"

Kaidan frowned, wondering if Shepard herself had told the pilot about Horizon, or if the whole ship was gossiping. "You and I are going to have to have a chat later. Right now, I want to check out an anomaly I saw on the observation deck."

Kaidan described the object and its behavior, and Joker's frown increased. "Let's check it out with the long range scanners. We wouldn't want to be surprised by a cruiser."

"That is extremely inadvisable, Jeff." Kaidan jumped as a blue holographic head popped up on a display to his left. "Even though Shepard managed to destroy the Alpha Relay, there is no telling how fast a Reaper can travel. If what Staff Commander Alenko saw was a Reaper, then it is possible that activating our scanners will give away our position if we are not extremely careful."

"Then we'll just have to be _extremely_ careful, EDI." Joker hit a few commands, and the console in front of him lit up.

"What the hell is that?" Kaidan asked, still staring at what he guessed was a VI terminal.

"Er…that's one of the ship's new systems. Shepard can explain when she get back onboard." Kaidan watched as they scanned the space between them and the sun in several sweeps, each going a little farther out than the last until finally a sweep revealed a few dozen large objects in a line between them and the sun. Joker's eyes widened as the next sweep revealed that they were moving in a perfect formation. "EDI…?"

"Scans indicate that they are on a trajectory that will converge on Earth in twenty minutes, and their combined makeup of organic and synthetic material matches known Reaper signatures. In addition, there has been no chatter on Alliance frequencies to indicate they are aware of the approaching fleet. It is likely that they will not know the Reapers are here until they reach Earth itself."

Kaidan's chest tightened painfully, making it impossible for him to breathe. They were already here, and about to hit Earth. 'Oh Shepard,' he thought. 'Not again. I'm not going to lose you again.'

He gasped and, fighting through the panic trying to freeze him in place, hit the alert and then the ship-wide com. "Full alert. Everyone to battle stations immediately. The Reaper fleet is twenty minutes from hitting Earth's atmosphere. We are going to get Shepard." Turning off the com, he looked at Joker. "Is there any way of alerting the Alliance, or are we going to be alone on this one?"

* * *

><p>AN: thanks everyone for your patience on this chapter. Hope you enjoyed!<p> 


	6. Escape

Kaidan had rushed to get his armor on before a quick meeting with Shepard's combat squad. He didn't think there would be much ground fighting, but he wanted to be prepared for any eventuality. Apparently, Joker and EDI could manage navigation as well as the ship's defenses, so Kaidan had separated them into three squads. He would have Garrus and Kasumi. Miranda would lead Tali, Zaeed, and Mordin. Thane would lead Jack, Grunt, and Jacob. No one had been outraged by the assignments, so Kaidan figured he had done well enough. Then he had briefly gone over the ground plan of the Alliance headquarters, where Shepard's inquest was being conducted, making sure to cover possible escape routes she might take, the most likely being towards the closest armory since her weapons and armor were still aboard the _Normandy_. He also tried to cover the locations of good choke points, cover, or where stationed guards might slow an enemy's advance. He hated having Cerberus personnel get some of that information, but he needed everyone as prepared as possible if they were going to get Shepard out alive. Besides, with the Reapers invading, he doubted there would be much of a facility left for the organization to infiltrate.

He was back on the bridge in just over ten minutes. The Reapers seemed unconcerned with being followed by a small frigate, or, at least, none had stopped or turned to attack them. Either they were lucky and had gone undetected, or the Reapers didn't see them as a threat. Kaidan wasn't sure he liked the second possibility. "Have you been able to get through to anyone to warn them?" he asked Joker.

"It seems that the Reapers have blocked all communication signals," EDI said. "I am not picking up anything from their end, either. It is possible that the Reapers have destroyed the comm buoys, or that they are able to block signal on a large scale. Tali'Zorah is attempting to extend our antenna and boost our signal strength. Hopefully it will be enough to locate Shepard when we reach the Alliance facility."

Did VIs talk like that? "Joker," Kaidan began, "is EDI a—"

"We're eight minutes from hitting atmo," Joker interrupted. "The Reapers should be hitting any second now…"

Kaidan looked out the cockpit window, and his heart skipped a beat. What their tentative scan had shown as dozens of Reapers was in fact hundreds if not _thousands_ positioned all over the globe, their bodies glowing a faint orange as one by one the passed into Earth's atmosphere. They would be able to hit every major city with multiple units and still have more to spare. The only thing left was to hope for an opening when they finally got there.

* * *

><p>Kaidan had forgotten just how damn good of a pilot Joker was. He wasn't sure how it was possible, but the pilot managed to maneuver the <em>Normandy<em> between skyscrapers at break neck speeds while no more than thirty meters off the ground, keeping the buildings between them and a Reaper. The machine was wreaking havoc on the city, but Alliance headquarters was surprisingly only slightly damaged. Voice communications were still down, but they had managed to find a weak ping from Shepard's omni-tool. She was on the far side of the base in an area Kaidan hadn't considered as a possible route she might take, though it may have been opened up by the destruction of the initial attack.

With Shepard's initial ping, Kaidan had also received a message from Admiral Anderson on his own 'tool. It was simple: _If you manage to find us, you will leave the moment Shepard is aboard, with or without me. That is a direct order._

Kaidan showed the message to Joker. "You remember I'm not enlisted anymore, right?" the pilot asked. Kaidan scowled at him. "Hey, doesn't mean I don't agree. Just reminding you that some of us won't have a chain of command to hide behind."

"Yeah yeah. I'll do my best to make sure the only one she chews out is me." Not that Kaidan wanted her any angrier with him than she already was, but it wasn't like they were on speaking terms at the moment. She and Joker were a different story, obviously. The pilot had followed her to work with Cerberus. Shepard had…disappeared when she went to save _Joker_…a sudden pang of jealousy hit Kaidan, and he wondered if Joker and Shepard were closer than he suspected. Kaidan's hands tightened on the back of the pilot's chair and briefly flared with the blue of his biotics. 'If he so much as touched her in the last two years, I am going to break every bone in his body when this war is over,' the small voice in the back of his head swore.

He struggled to shake off his irrational reaction. He really needed to get a hold of his temper, which had broken free at some point before he had left Horizon. He had spent his life after BAaT learning to be completely controlled at all times. He was not going to let rage have free reign now. It couldn't, not if he wanted Shepard to actually survive this attack.

He sat down at the terminal to Joker's right and brought up a map. He quickly added markers for each of the pings they had gotten from Shepard's omni-tool, trying to get a sense of where she was headed. She seemed to be running down a deep crevasse between buildings, if he remembered the base correctly. Using the time between pings to figure out about how fast she was traveling, he figured they could probably get there in time to intercept her in the courtyard the channel she was stuck in would eventually lead to. It was their best option before she would have her pick of half a dozen ways to go. "Joker, you seeing what I'm seeing?"

"Yeah, I follow you. We can make it there." The shot out from between the skyscrapers while the Reaper's back was to them and flew low across the base towards their target. Below, civilians, probably people who had attended Shepard's inquest in person, were running in uncontrolled panic while a few marines tried to hold off hoards of husks. At a glance, most looked like the ones from Eden Prime, but there were also larger ones with terrible deformations. The _Normandy_ opened fire on the husks wherever they were thickest and free of bystanders, but it was unclear how much of a dent they actually made. 'As hard as it is, we're not here for them. We're here for Shepard. If others are going to have a chance, she's the one that has to survive,' Kaidan thought as they passed by hundreds of people.

They shot out into the courtyard, and Kaidan frantically scanned the area. "There!" he shouted when he finally spotted Shepard charging down the last bit of the crevasse with two others. "Open the airlock," he said putting on his helmet and grabbing a rifle. "I'm going to give them some cover fire."

"Alenko," Joker shouted, making him pause for a moment. "I don't know if I can get close enough to the ground."

"Just get as low as possible," Kaidan replied as he waited at the hatch. "I should be able to lift at least Shepard."

It seemed like it took forever for the hatch to open and close again and then for the exterior airlock to open, but by the time Kaidan was able to see out the side of the ship, Shepard had only made it halfway across the courtyard towards them. Suddenly, there was a low moan that could be heard even above the ship's engines, and a hoard of husks came around a corner. Shepard and a large marine, probably Vega, started sprinting towards the _Normandy_. Kaidan recognized Anderson, even at that distance. The admiral lagged behind to lay down some suppressive fire. Kaidan got off a few rounds himself before he had to prepare to lift Shepard and the much heavier Vega. If he timed it perfectly, their momentum would carry them forward into the airlock. Miss the window and they could hit the keel, or pass over the ship entirely.

The husks were following Shepard and Vega and had driven a wedge between them and Anderson, but Kaidan couldn't worry about the admiral if he was going to get Shepard into the ship using biotics. Fifty meters. Forty. Thirty. Shepard was starting to break away, and the husks were right on Vega's tail. He lifted both of them when they hit twenty meters. The strain of keeping the biotic lift gentle and steady was making sweat roll down the sides of his face, making the six seconds they were in mid-air seem to stretch on forever. He couldn't tear his eyes away from Shepard's face, which was surprisingly calm as she floated towards him and landed lightly on her feet in the airlock. Vega, who had been a few meters behind Shepard when Kaidan lifted them, was starting to drift too high. He was going to miss the airlock entirely. Desperate, Kaidan released the lift and used a pull to bring the marine towards him. It did the trick, but his landing was substantially less graceful than Shepard's.

Kaidan gasped, exhausted more by the needed accuracy and restraint of the biotic moves than he had ever been just letting loose. He hit the com link in his helmet. "Joker, she's aboard. Get us the hell out of here."

Shepard grabbed his shoulder, jerking him around to face her. "What about Anderson?" she demanded. Kaidan was about to reply, but the closing airlock stole her attention. "Anderson!" she shouted, moving towards the opening, but they were already taking off. Kaidan had to grab her around her waist to keep her from jumping back out again. "Anderson!" she screamed louder and struggled harder, but the courtyard held only husks that, without any clear target, were milling around and bumping into one another. Anderson was nowhere to be seen. Kaidan was glad when the airlock shut and latched. He was having a hard time keeping Shepard on the platform. 'When did she get this goddamn strong?' he thought. She had never been weak, but he had at least been able to use leverage to gain the upper hand. A few more seconds and she would have broken free.

She turned and punched him square in the helmet, forcing him back to the wall and making his head ring from the impact. "What the fuck was that, and who the fuck do you think you are?" she demanded.

Kaidan was dazed from his head striking the inside of his helmet and apparently didn't answer fast enough for the pissed off redhead. She pulled back for another punch, but Vega caught her arm as Kaidan pulled off his stifling helmet and dabbed at his nose, which was bleeding. Shepard's face blanched for a moment before turning a vivid red he had never seen before. "What the FUCK, Kaidan?" she shouted, punctuating her words by poking the chest of his armor with a finger.

"He ordered me to leave!" Kaidan shouted back. "He didn't even try to make it across the courtyard. He stayed back to thin out the husks because he _wanted _to, because he wanted YOU to get out alive."

She scowled and turned her back on him, heading through the now open hatch and towards the cockpit, but, before she could say anything, Joker yelled, "brace for evasive maneuvers!" into the ship's PA system. The Reaper had apparently finally noticed the ship, and it took all of Joker's skill to keep them from getting sliced in two.

They had to leave now. Even Shepard realized that their window of escape was closing rapidly. Deflated, she turned and stalked down the corridor, hardly phased by the rolling of the deck beneath her as Joker did his best to shake the Reaper.


	7. Introductions

Kaidan found Shepard on the starboard observation deck, watching as Earth became smaller and smaller in the sky. It was strange to see her brace herself on her forearms and lean her head against the glass, almost the exact same posture he had found himself in night after night, whenever he couldn't sleep. They stood there in silence, he in the shadows by the door, she leaning against the glass, for some time. Finally, he heard her ask in a small voice, "How could you leave him? How could you just leave him there, and not even think twice about it?"

"Because he told me to." Kaidan's eyebrows drew together, suddenly angry. "Do you think I wanted to? Do you think he didn't mean as much if not more to me than he did to you? He was the one who was there for me when you—when you went off to wherever you've been for two and a half goddamn years. But he believed that saving you was more important, or that he could do some good on Earth, or both, so he ordered me to save you at the cost of abandoning him."

She rounded on him. "'Wherever I went off to?' Kaidan, I _died_. I threw Joker in the pod, there was another explosion, and then I was in space, venting oxygen, hoping you—" she stopped suddenly, the muscles in her jaw clenching. "Doesn't matter. Whatever my death didn't destroy, my being alive apparently has."

"That's not fair and you know it," Kaidan shot back. They stood there glaring at each other, neither willing to concede their position. Shepard opened her mouth to say something, but Joker interrupted. "Commander? We're about twenty minutes from the relay. Do we have a destination?"

She straightened, and Kaidan watched in amazement as she put away all of her emotion and personality, becoming the cold commanding officer he had met on Horizon. It sent a chill through him to see that becoming the strange new person he didn't know was something she did consciously. She might still be the same Shepard he knew somewhere inside, but this new person was what she _chose_ to be.

"Set a course for the Hourglass Nebula, Sowilo System. Time to pay Liara a visit. Also, please have Miranda, Garrus, and James meet me in the medical center." She turned back to Kaidan. "Come on, I want to introduce you to the rest of the crew."

"I'm pretty sure I've met everyone."

"I'm pretty sure not. Not if they all followed my orders."

* * *

><p>They arrived to find Miranda and Garrus studying Vega, who was leaning against one of the beds, cleaning a bit of dirt from under his nails. Shepard nodded to her two officers, and they fell into line, flanking her and creating a barrier between Kaidan and Vega and the door to the server room. Kaidan's head dropped slightly to the side, puzzled. 'Does someone actually bunk in there?' he wondered. 'If so, I' m not surprised we haven't met. People do seem to tuck themselves away in all kinds of strange places on this ship.'<p>

Shepard pressed the button and the door slithered open. At first, Kaidan didn't see anything, but then a large form unfolded from a resting place in the shadows, a single glowing eye appearing. Kaidan tried to throw it as hard as he could, but a biotic barrier sprang up in front of the Geth, and Shepard stepped between him and the machine.

"Shepard Commander," it said, the words formed somehow in a combination of clicking parts and whining electronics.

"James, Kaidan, this is Legion, a terminal of the non-heretic Geth," Shepard said, her careful gaze moving from one man to the other. "He is part of my crew. As such, while you are all here, you will find a way to get along. Am I clear?"

There was absolute silence. 'She cannot be serious,' Kaidan thought. 'No, this has to be one of those dreams. We will fight, it'll probably tear her apart, and any moment I will wake up and she'll still be on Earth…'

"I thought the Geth couldn't talk," James said, eyeing it. "And…why does it have a piece of N7 armor welded to its chest?"

"It is 'inefficient' for them to speak in our language. It isn't like anyone has ever had the chance to stop and ask them before," Shepard said, a wry little smile turning up one corner of her mouth. "Anyway, when I died, apparently there were several factions fighting over my body. The Shadow Broker, who was working for the Collectors and thus ultimately for the Reapers, Cerberus, and the non-heretic Geth. Presumably, Legion used a piece of my armor to patch himself up in the field, though he has 'no data' as to why my armor specifically."

Kaidan's shock finally wore off. "Never mind that it can talk. What the hell is it doing on this ship, Shepard? It is a danger to the entire crew!"

"Odds are that if Legion had meant to do us harm, then he would have taken advantage of Commander Shepard's absence to do so," EDI said, her blue holographic head appearing on a console as she chimed in.

"Besides, Legion is a valuable ally, and gains us valuable allies for this war," Shepard added coolly. "This is EDI, the ship's AI." She shot a look at Kaidan that dared him to argue with her. "Her loyalty is not in question, either."

"An AI and a goddamn _Geth_?" Kaidan nearly yelled. "I thought it couldn't get worse than you working for Cerberus. Honestly Shepard, have you completely lost you mind?"

"They have saved out lives more times than you know," Miranda said quietly in an attempt to ease the anger they could all see building in Shepard, but the commander had built herself into a fine rage.

"If anyone on this ship attempts to harm any member of my crew, I will put them off on the next planet we come across, and I will not stop to ask if the locals are friendly. Is that perfectly clear?" she asked, absolute authority punctuating every word, making Vega stand at attention.

"Yes ma'am," he replied. Shepard studied him a moment, nodded, and turned to Kaidan, her frown deepening when he didn't say anything. "I mean it, Alenko," she said, and Kaidan reeled as if he has been slapped. She never called him Alenko. He nodded stiffly, anger and hurt constricting his throat.

"Good. Miranda, please get a message to Arcturus Station. Send them any data EDI managed to collect while the _Normandy_ was on Earth. Garrus, you can make sure James is settled. I'm going to see if Grunt wants to play."

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you everyone who has put this story on your favorite list or signed up for alerts. I hope you are enjoying my guilty pleasure. I have already planned out the general content of the chapters, but do let me know what you've liked, what could stand to be improved, and what you're looking forward to!<p> 


	8. Krogan Sparring

Kaidan found himself alone in the med bay, his anger quickly dissipating and leaving weariness and a sense of dread it its wake. Well, almost alone anyway. Dr. Chakwas was sitting at her desk, staring at him out of the corner of her eye. When he noticed, Kaidan stood up ramrod straight, his back twinging slightly in protest, and made for the exit. "Shouting at each other really isn't helping, you know," Chakwas said quietly, catching him before he got to the door. "It isn't good for her health. Or yours, I'm sure, but she is undoubtedly in worse shape than you are, and she is going to have to be at her best for this one, I think."

"She seems plenty healthy to me, if not unreasonably stronger than before" Kaidan replied, rubbing the sore spot on the back of his head from her earlier punch. He knew Chakwas probably wouldn't tell him, but Shepard had to have had a few…upgrades.

Dr. Chakwas sighed and turned to her computer. "It was either that or be alarmingly weak I suppose," she said as she hit a few commands and pulled out a flash drive. "I have the files from the Lazarus Project, and I'll add some scans of my own from when she came aboard in case you don't trust data given by a Cerberus operative. Shepard won't appreciate my giving them to you, but if it makes you two stop yelling at each other, then it'll be worth it." She held up the drive, and he tentatively reached for it, taking it gingerly between thumb and forefinger, but the doctor didn't release it. "Kaidan, please be careful. I know you're bitter, but Shepard's scars aren't just superficial. Physically, she's completely fine, so they should have healed weeks ago. She must have residual psychological damage that's preventing her body from healing completely. I think waking up has been a worse shock than the one she got from the beacon on Eden Prime."

Kaidan's throat went dry. "You are asking me to believe the impossible," he said, and Chakwas released the drive with a sigh.

"I'm just asking you to take a look, to consider what you see with an open mind, and to go easier on Shepard."

* * *

><p>Kaidan made his way down to the gym, hoping to pound out the excess adrenaline and anger before opening the files Chakwas had given him. He really did want to be able to give them a fair chance.<p>

The elevator door slid open, and Kaidan was greeted by what sounded like someone hitting the world's densest punching bag. He rounded the corner, freezing when he saw Grunt and Shepard…_boxing_. Shepard was boxing. With a krogan. _Without any goddamn body armor._

She had the advantage for the moment, her smaller size and greater dexterity allowing her to dart around the larger and heavier Grunt, but her blows, as much as they were frustrating the krogan, seemed to do only marginal damage. Finally, with a growl of frustration, Grunt managed to land a punch square across her jaw that drove her into the wall. She came away bleeding from a cut on her temple and, with a wicked gleam in her eye, they began to circle each other once again.

Shepard was still landing some solid blows to Grunt's kidneys, but she was slowing down, and the krogan's swings were getting closer to actually clipping her. He landed another punch, this time in her ribs, making her wheeze, and yet she still wasn't yielding. 'She's going to get herself killed,' Kaidan thought as blue fire flickered across his vision. 'I left Anderson to save her, and she's going to die anyway.' He reached his arm back, preparing the mnemonic to fling the krogan as far from her as possible.

A clawed hand grabbed his wrist. "Don't count the commander out yet," Garrus whispered from behind him, "and don't deny her the release for her tension." Kaidan glanced back at his friend, about to protest. "Hey, I used to spar with her," the turian said, "but last time we did, she broke my jaw and cracked a few ribs. Grunt seems the only one built solidly enough for her not to hurt too badly. And it helps him to not get too restless."

Kaidan watched helplessly as the two traded blows for several more minutes. Shepard, surprisingly, managed to stay in the fight, no matter how much punishment the krogan dished out. 'My God, Sarah, what have they done to you that you aren't already lying in a broken heap?' He shook his head to clear it. He hadn't called her—thought about her—by her first name since before the original _Normandy_ was destroyed, and he wasn't about to start again now. His hand tightened around the drive in his pocket. As soon as the horrid match was over and Shepard was looked after, he was going to find his datapad and a quiet corner of the ship and take a look at those files.

With a shout of triumph, Shepard landed a blow that resounded with a crack, and Grunt fell to his knees. "Enough, battle master, enough!" He grinned up at her. "May our enemies tremble in their boots!"

She barked a short laugh and held out her hand to help him up. "I don't know if machines can shiver, but I aim to try and make them!" She stumbled for a moment when she noticed Garrus and Kaidan watching, but she quickly regained her composure. "Come to see all the fun you're missing out on, Garrus?" she asked as Grunt handed her off to the turian. "Just think, it could be me hauling you up to see Dr. Chakwas instead of the other way around." She glanced at Kaidan. "Surely you have something better you could be doing. I mean other than enjoying me getting kicked around."

Garrus sighed. "Come on, Shepard. Grunt's managed to knock all your manners and common sense straight out, though I doubt Chakwas is going to be able to do anything more about it than to patch the leak in your head and then send you to your room without any supper."


	9. Hagalaz

Kaidan strode towards the starboard observation deck, datapad in hand and the flash drive tucked carefully away in a pocket, but a glimpse of Shepard through the med bay windows brought him to a halt. He hung back by the elevator, watching her and hoping no one would notice him. She was slipping her shirt back on, but not before Kaidan glimpsed two large raw scars, one in the center of her chest over her sternum, the other on her lower right abdomen parallel to her rib cage. Dr. Chakwas seemed to be lecturing her, as Shepard hung her head slightly while the older woman gesticulated emphatically. Chakwas put a hand on Shepard's shoulder, but the commander gently shrugged it off and got up to leave. Wanting to give her some more time to cool off, Kaidan hurried down the hall and into the deserted observation deck.

He lowered himself onto one of the ridiculously decadent couches and pulled out the drive. After a moment's hesitation, he inserted the drive and opened the first file. "Commander Shepard has bee recovered," Miranda's voice blared out at him. "The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned." Her remarks served as a voice over for some of the most gruesome footage Kaidan had ever seen. Several robotic arms were cutting armor off an incredibly mangled body. The helmet, the chest piece, and one of the suit's gauntlets were completely gone, but the red and white stripe down the right arm belonged to N7 armor. When the suit had been removed completely, the robotic arms disappeared, making room for some scanners. Exposure burns, jagged cuts, and deep bruises covered most of her body. Some of her limbs lay at odd angles, and there were strange lumps all over her body from where bones weren't quite sitting right. Her hair was matted with dried blood, and her face was so flat that it was hardly recognizable, but it was still Shepard. Her delicate feet had somehow remained unscathed, and her toenails were still painted the soft pink he had admired the night before Ilos.

That feed ended, and Kaidan quickly opened file after file. There were copies of anatomical scans, journal entries, and more videos.

A before and after x-ray of her entire skeleton. Some of the bones were so shattered that he was amazed they managed to get them all back together, even with the brackets that appeared in the after scans.

An entry by someone named Wilson: "The cost of this project is astronomical—over four billion credits so far. I don't know where the boss gets all his money. Maybe it's better not to know. I just wish he'd kick a little more in my direction every once in a while."

A video of more surgery, this time to remove some shrapnel and repair tears in her organs.

An entry by Miranda accompanied by some monitor read-outs. "Progress is slow, but subject shows signs of recovery. Major organs are again functional, and there are signs of rudimentary neurological activity. If we alter her identity in any way, if she's somehow not the woman she used to be, the Lazarus Project will have failed. I refuse to let that happen."

Another entry from Wilson, this time as a voice over for some footage of Cerberus personnel performing what looked like physical therapy on the comatose Shepard. "Log update: the Lazarus Project is about to enter the final phase. This is the most amazing medical achievement in recorded history. It's taken nearly two years, but we did it! Commander Shepard is alive."

"Turns out Wilson was working for the Shadow Broker. Well, the previous Shadow Broker, anyway." Kaidan nearly jumped out of his skin as Shepard spoke from almost directly behind him. He had been so stricken by what he was seeing that he had completely missed her entrance. He stood facing her, his heart pounding and at a complete loss for words. "He was the one who attacked the station, in the end. My body would've fetched a pretty penny even before the Lazarus Project. I can't imagine how much he would have gotten for handing me over alive.

Kaidan's throat contracted several times, but no sound came out. She stepped closer and wiped away a line of tears from his cheeks that he hadn't even noticed. He caught her hand before she could pull away and held it to his cheek. "I'm sorry, Shepard," he whispered. "I'm so sorry, I—"

"I was asking you to believe something damn near impossible based on nothing more than my word, which couldn't count for much when I was working with known terrorists—working _with_. Never working _for_. They brought me back, gave me a ship with a great crew, and provided some really good and difficult to obtain intel." The corners of her mouth turned down, making her carefully blank face look grim. "Good intel most of the time, anyway. Still, it was asking a lot." She carefully traced one of the thin glowing red lines on her cheek. "Especially with these inhuman scars." She paused and looked away, then added quietly, "I'm surprised you didn't think I was some kind of absurd golem-like approximation of me. I'm not myself anymore."

Kaidan put a finger under her chin, making her look up at him. "You still look the same to me."

"Do I? I'm surprised." She held up a hand and flexed her fingers in series. It was as if she were seeing her own digits for the first time. "Between all the plates and screws, the skin grafts, and the cybernetic skin, bone, and muscle weaves holding me together, I'm surprised I look anything at all like I did." She looked at him, her icy mask dropping for a moment. She had the same expression now as when the council had grounded her before Ilos, when she had felt utterly helpless to stop the impending doom. But it only lasted a moment, and, before Kaidan could do anything, her mask was back on, her real feelings shoved aside. "Anyway, that's not why I was brought back," she said as she pulled away. Kaidan was reluctant to let her go, but she was firm in her withdrawal. "There's a war to fight, and it's not going to be won by me moping about lost time."

Kaidan wasn't about to let it go that easily. "Shepard," he began, "don't—"

"We're fifteen minutes from Hagalaz, Commander," Joker said suddenly over the intercom. Kaidan punched the couch in frustration. 'Why is Joker _always_ interrupting?' he wondered.

"Thank you, Joker," she replied. They stared at each other a moment. "I have to go suit up," she said as she turned to go. "You should, too, if you're planning on coming planet side."

* * *

><p>It was strange how natural it felt to follow Shepard again. Kaidan had gotten used to command since her death, and yet falling in at her right flank seemed as natural as breathing. He glanced over at Garrus on Shepard's other side, and the turian nodded to him briefly, perhaps sharing the same sense of apprehension that was making shivers dance up and down Kaidan's spine.<p>

The ship they had boarded was eerily quiet except for the occasional crack of lightening outside. Kaidan had been amazed that anything could survive in such a volatile atmosphere, but Shepard had just gave him a small smile when he said as much. "That's what makes it such a perfect place to hide."

The door slid open, and a VI drone suddenly popped up in front of them. "Welcome back, Shadow Broker."

Kaidan's jaw just about hit the floor, but Shepard just laughed. "Still haven't fixed this stupid thing Liara?" she called out, and the asari's head suddenly popped out from behind a display in the corner of the room. "Shepard!" she cried and rushed out into the middle of the room to throw her arms around the woman. "When I stopped hearing from my contacts on Earth…"

Liara pulled away, and Shepard put a hand on her shoulder. "The Reapers have invaded," she confirmed.

Liara nodded. "Then it is time," she replied as she moved to the central display on the other side of the room. Shepard followed, removing her omni-tool and handing it over. "Anderson snuck me some data just after the attack started. I think it's research notes on a Prothean artifact…or maybe a Reaper one? I couldn't quite understand…"

Kaidan edged towards Garrus while Shepard and Liara stuck their heads together, lost in conversation. "Uh, Garrus…are we…?"

"In the Shadow Broker's base? Yeah. Liara hade some unfinished business with the former Broker, Shepard never really explained what, and the Illusive Man managed to find the location of this base. Apparently, after they killed the former Broker, Liara kind of…fell into the role."

"Oh." Right. Liara just _slipped_ into position as the galaxy's most notorious information broker. No big deal. 'Sure, and Shepard is a pretty pink ballerina, and the Reapers have been known to sing a killer show tune medley as they're destroying entire species, and—'

"Normandy to Shepard," Joker blared over their com system, startling Shepard into standing ramrod straight, her right hand moving to her ear. "What is it, Joker?"

"Commander, a large Cerberus vessel has entered the atmosphere and is headed directly towards the base. Shepard—" Joker paused as if he were unsure whether or not to continue. "Shepard, they have yet to hail us. I think they're hoping to be a surprise. And you know hoe _lovely_ their surprises have been…"

Shepard went rigid for as the station alarms started to sound, the VI whizzing around the room shrieking, "Armed intruders have boarded the ship, Shadow Broker." After a moment of thought, she sprang into action, reclaiming her omni-tool and un-holstering her assault riffle. "EDI, I want you to transfer as much of the network onboard the _Normandy_ as possible before we have to destroy it." She turned back to Liara. "I'm sorry, but we can't let them get their hands on it. I thought securing salvage on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay would keep him occupied longer…"

"Don't worry about it, Shepard," she responded without looking up from the keypad she was using to enter a complex series of commands. "It was not an unforeseeable eventuality. I have the essentials stashed in hidden data packets in several locations." Liara's smile was cold, calculating. "I'm just transferring some new information and then preparing a rather nasty surprise should any come poking around."

Liara hit enter for the final time just as a drell ran in from a door tucked back in the shadows behind the main console and tossed Liara a pistol. "They've deployed an entire platoon at several points in an effort to surround us. I suggest we leave. Quickly."

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone who has written a review (especially Aya001, txmn1016, and coffee-house-girl for the multiples).<p>

If you haven't already, do check out the demo. Without spoiling it, there are a couple cute moments between Shepard and Kaidan in the first segment, which is, I believe, what will be the opening sequence of the game (just enough to be appropriately teased for us Shenko fans and not so much as to ruin the lore for people who chose a different relationship). It's about as long as the destruction of the Normandy sequence plus the first two rooms of the Lazarus Project labs in ME2. The other mission included really doesn't give a thing away and, I think it's really there for people who have never played a Mass Effect so they can get a feel for the combat style (I skipped this entirely because I watched my husband play it). 20 days and counting!


	10. Debrief

"Joker, I would like very much to be on the other side of the galaxy before Cerberus figures out we've left the station. Debriefing in the com room in thirty minutes. Dismissed."

Kaidan was glad Shepard still insisted on postponing debriefings until after enough time was given to remove armor, care for weapons, and have a quick shower. No matter how undemanding the mission, he always managed to work up a swat in the suit, and just being able to rinse off under some hot water was a blessing. He didn't soak in the relaxing spray today, even though he had enough time. He was too anxious to hear Shepard's explanation of—or at least her reaction to—Cerberus's apparent hostility. Lawson had said the Illusive Man wasn't thrilled with something Shepard had done, but surely a man who could locate the Shadow Broker would have known Shepard's proclivity for doing things her way, regardless of what other people thought.

He reached the com room nearly ten minutes early, but he could hear the sound of Shepard's voice reverberating off the walls, even with the door closed. He pushed the button, hoping she hadn't started without him. She was standing in the middle of the room where he could have sworn a table had been, a ring on the floor around her glowing a soft blue, and shouting.

"…colossal idiot. In case you've had your head shoved too far up your ass, there's a war going on, and we cannot afford to be fighting with each other if we hope to survive."

"I brought you back to further _humanity_," a steely voice spat through a set of speakers, and Kaidan realized it had to belong to the Illusive Man. "You have not only wasted time helping other races, but you have squandered opportunities to further our technological dominance as well. You put us behind when you destroyed the human Reaper, and now we're all going to pay for your misguided sense of morality. Every day we spend trying to develop a weapon to use against them while they march across Earth can be laid at your feet, _Commander_."

"Do you mean organic dominance over the Reapers?" she asked quietly, her voice more cutting than Kaidan had ever heard it. "Or Cerberus dominance over _everyone else_?" There was silence as she let that sit for a moment. "Cerberus dominance it is. I think I can live with that, especially since we _can _beat them without it."

"You don't know that, and, thanks to you, we'll never know." The Illusive Man paused, perhaps getting a sense of his standing before making his next move. "I hear you managed to recruit Staff Commander Alenko," he said casually, almost as if they were discussing whether or not it might rain later. "Tell me, did he tag along because he had no other choice if he wanted to live, or was the prospect of such easy tail too much to resist?"

Shepard's hand twitched and her shoulder pulled back a fraction of an inch, the gestures so slight that it was likely the Illusive Man would miss it. Kaidan would have missed it himself, had he not known Shepard better. She did that whenever she wanted to reach for her rifle, or to lay someone out with a punch, but couldn't. "Staff Commander Alenko is here as a liaison with Alliance command so I can coordinate an offensive with them. Nothing more. I told you, we are doing this _my_ way, which means using the combined might of every race in the galaxy. If you want to help, fine. If not, I _will_ eliminate anyone you send to stop me or 'bring me in.' Be useful, or stay the hell out of my way." She tuned on her heel and, her eyes widening slightly when she saw him, walked towards Kaidan. The blue circle dimmed and disappeared, and the table rose from the floor.

Kaidan crossed his arms and stared at her. "The Illusive Man," she said, gesturing vaguely behind her. "Chain smoking alcoholic prig, but he's good at what he does. Not even Liara was able to find very much information on him."

"Since when do you need anyone to _liaise_ for you?" he asked, angry at being reduced to a coward or a pervert by the Illusive man or a damned _cleric_ by Shepard herself, and even angrier that, instead of being candid with him, he watched as she retreated further and further inside herself. "You usually like to do all your own talking. Hell, you do more than enough talking for the rest of us."

"The Illusive Man is more dangerous than you can imagine, Kaidan. You have to be _incredibly_ careful. He is happy to exploit any weakness he can find, or even anything he _thinks_ is a weakness, and his reach is vast. Do not underestimate him."

"So, what? You were being dispassionate in order to protect me? That's a little far fetched."

"Is that really so hard to believe?" she whispered, her face completely blank, the only hint of emotion was the rawness of her voice.

Kaidan blinked. "Shepard—"

The door slid open to permit Liara and Garrus, and Miranda wasn't far behind. They all arranged themselves around the table, and Shepard turned to her XO. "Seems the Illusive Man has the same attitude towards wayward children as your father does." The corner of Miranda's mouth twitched in a small smile, but the rest of the face remained carefully composed. 'She really is an ice queen,' Kaidan thought. 'Is that where Shepard gets it?'

"In any event, it turns out Anderson gave me some interesting data on the Protheans and the Reapers that might help us develop a way to defeat them more efficiently…"


	11. Joker

Kaidan had nothing to do. Shepard had taken Liara and Garrus on a mission to help Wrex protect a krogan female, so he had started off doing maintenance on his pistol and armor. Then he polished his boots and brass, starched his dress blues, and even re-sewed a button that was merely sort of loose. He re-configured his omni-tool for marginally better performance. And they _still_ weren't back. He hated being left behind. The constant worry had been hard to deal with even before Shepard's death. Now that he knew exactly how it felt to lose her, the only way to stay even marginally sane was to keep busy.

He wandered aimlessly for a few minutes, desperate to find something to do, until he found himself striding through the CIC towards the cockpit. He came to rest just behind Joker's chair and stared out the window towards the verdant planet. Joker drummed his fingers against the armrest absently for a minute. "You know, walking up behind people and staring at them without saying anything is kinda creepy," the pilot finally said when the silence became too much to bear. "Besides, having a 'chat,' as you put it, usually involves talking. Just sayin."

"I'm just trying to figure out where to even begin. I mean, I get that I was out of touch for a while after…Alchera, but seriously? You've been with Shepard for how long and didn't tell me?"

"It wasn't exactly my place to tell you, man. The whole thing was classified, which, for them, means heavy censoring of all out-going messages. And besides, I remember how you reacted when Shepard found Admiral Kahoku. What was I supposed to say? 'Hey, you remember that organization you think is the epitome of all evil? Well, I'm working with them, seeing as they can fix me up and put me back in the sky again, and not all of them are so bad as that. Oh, and P.S., they might be able to bring back your girlfriend, so don't be so angry at the world, 'kay?' I'm sure that would have gone over _real_ well."

"_Anything_ would have been better than finding out like I did. First as a rumor I was sure meant a Cerberus Operative had been made to look like her, then her sudden appearance on Horizon…anyone would have reacted…poorly."

"'Poorly' is putting it mildly," Joker said, shaking his head. "Look, I'm not getting involved. I generally don't like getting on the bad side of someone who could break me in half if she wanted to, so, if you don't mind, I'm staying as far away from this shit storm as possible."

Kaidan's eyes narrowed. "How can you call your constant interruptions 'not getting involved?'"

Joker held up his hands. "Not my fault you guys like to have 'personal time' right before we get somewhere or Shepard gets summoned by someone important." He tapped a few of his controls and muttered, "At least I waited until after the chance to kiss her had passed."

"You could _see us_?" Kaidan ground out, his cheeks flushing.

"The _Normandy_ was fitted with audio and video feeds in all public areas of the ship, as is standard in most Cerberus facilities, though the Illusive Man no longer has access to ours," EDI chirped from her console.

"Not helpful, EDI," Joker groaned. Kaidan grabbed his chair and turned it to make the pilot face him. "You call _spying_ on the Commander _not_ getting involved?" he asked, annoyed at Joker's audacity.

"Look, whatever happened on Horizon seriously messed her up for a while. I'm just trying to make sure she isn't so distracted during a mission that she gets herself—or anyone else—killed."

Kaidan's heart jumped. He had always assumed that she had shrugged Horizon off. "What do you mean, messed her up? What happened?"

"I am _not_ going to talk about it. You really want to know? Ask her. Just make it brief, and do it during some down time. And make sure there aren't any innocent bystanders that can be caught in the crossfire." Something pinged on the console, and Joker maximized a window that had been hidden. "Shuttle's on its way back," he said and glanced back over his shoulder. "What a lovely little chat. You should really stop by again sometime. Preferably after the war."

* * *

><p>AN: Sorry this one took so long. I was having trouble writing Joker's pithy lines. Hopefully I did well enough!<p> 


	12. Breaking Through

"Even with the salarians, krogen, and quarians, we still don't have the numbers we need for an all-out assault, not with the amount of people we've lost to indoctrination," Shepard said, her fist slamming against the com room table. The last mission had not gone well. They had been attacked by an indoctrinated Alliance unit, and, while Shepard had done her best to keep them alive, they had been forced to kill several. She hung her head for a moment to stretch the back of her neck, then snapped it up suddenly. "Liara, the Protheans were close to unlocking Reaper technology when the Reapers arrived, weren't they? That's how the were able to make the Condit, right?"

"That is correct."

"And on Ilos, Vigil somehow knew we weren't indoctrinated, remember?"

"Well yes, but how does—"

"Isn't it possible, then, that the Protheans understood indoctrination to the same or even a greater level that they understood mass relay technology, that maybe the beacons were even based on it?"

Kaidan watched Liara consider the possibility before nodding. "Indoctrination is, at its core, a way of transferring data or ideas directly into your brain, though the beacons simply add to your knowledge base. With indoctrination, the transferred ideas become all consuming. It also carries certain similarities to Melding, if I am honest." She blushed for a moment. "The beacons, that is. Not indoctrination."

"Knowing that, might it be possible to develop a way to resist indoctrination by understanding how beacons work?" Shepard asked, looking back and forth between Liara and Tali. The quarian ran her fingers along the edge of her hood, something Kaidan had realized was a nervous habit for her, and sighed. "I suppose we could give it a shot," she said. "We'll want to find a place to set up a tech lab." She and Liara left, their discussion as to what might be a suitable work area fading as they disappeared around a corner.

Shepard rubbed her temples a moment, as if there were another thought she was trying to chase down. She frowned and shook her head slightly. "That's all for now. Dismissed." With that, she turned on her heel and marched out of the room, leaving Kaidan, Garrus, and Miranda to their own duties. Kaidan sighed and went to finish his report to Admiral Hackett. He was sure Shepard wrote her own reports as well, but he was technically the superior officer on the ship, and, even though everyone knew that Shepard called the shots, he was determined to do what would have been expected of him in any normal situation.

He grabbed his datapad and headed down to the mess. He was starving by the time they got back from a mission and finished debriefing more often than not, so it wasn't unusual to find him typing with one hand and shoveling down food with the other. Rupert usually put something on the stove for him as soon as the shuttle got back, which was as much of a luxury as the chance to shower before debriefing. Anything was better than nutrient paste and MREs, but Rupert's cooking was borderline delicious. It was a great way to keep morale up, so Kaidan wasn't particularly surprised that Shepard splurged on high-grade foodstuffs, but he did make a mental note to thank her for it later.

He was just finishing both his report and his lunch when Garrus appeared from around the corner. "Have you seen Shepard?" he asked, and Kaidan shook his head. "Damn. I've been looking for her, but she isn't in the gym, the armory, or her quarters. I need to get to work on some calibrations. If she emerges from whatever hidey hole she's found for herself, let her know I'm looking for her." Garrus stalked off to his office in the forward battery, hardly waiting for a reply.

Kaidan stared after him, frowning slightly. 'Does he often see her in her quarters?' he wondered as he was hit by a pang of irrational jealousy. He shook his head to clear it, sent his report to Hackett, took his dishes to Gardner, and decided to go downstairs to see if Tali needed any help.

Tali's workstation, however, was deserted. Kaidan kicked himself for being so preoccupied with Garrus that he had forgotten the quarian's new assignment, and he was about to retreat back to the crew deck when a flash of red caught the corner of his eye. Peering the rest of the way around the corner, he saw Shepard sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor of the engine room, her back to him. Kaidan glanced over at the Cerberus engineers, who were staring at him, and tilted his head towards the door. After a moment, they left, Daniels pulling Donnelly by the arm. He and Shepard would have some privacy, at least for the moment. As long as Joker was busy, anyway.

He quietly walked past her and leaned against the console, hooking his thumbs in his belt loops when he saw that her eyes were closed. 'Since when does Shepard meditate?' Kaidan wondered, not sure if he should actually disturb her or not. He was about to try and tiptoe back out again when Shepard spoke softly. "What do you want, Kaidan?" she said without even opening her eyes. "I'm sure you didn't come down here just to stare at me."

He sighed and crossed his arms. "I…well, I was actually coming to see if Tali needed any help. I do want to talk to you…but we could talk later. I don't want to disturb you."

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, her expression still neutral and slightly serene. "You know I always make time for my crew."

"Your crew?" Kaidan spat. "Your _crew_? That's really what you're going with?"

"That's what we are. For better, or worse, that is what we are to each other right now." She stood up and stretched. "I could remind you that you were the one who wanted it that way until 'things settled down.' And even then you didn't seem sure we would be able to be anything more."

Kaidan crossed his arms. "It's a lot harder to commit to anything when I can't even read you anymore."

She waved him off. "You've always been cautious, even when I was ridiculously direct. Something specific I did is bothering you, and it's not my being gone for two years. It can't be, now that you believe me when I say that it wasn't my choice. What's really bothering you?"

A heavy silence followed while Kaidan considered if telling the truth was really prudent or not. "Why Cerberus?" he asked quietly, tired of not knowing and of pretending it didn't still bother him. "Why didn't you try and contact me when you did come to? Or the Alliance?"

"What makes you think I didn't?" she shot back at him, her face a mixture of shock and hurt that made Kaidan's gut tie itself in knots. She sighed and shook her head, her eyes focusing on something distant, something only she could see as she worked to re-compose herself. "The station alarms woke me up. Well, that, and Miranda shouting at me over an intercom. And so I didn't have time to think, really. I had to stay alive first. I could ask questions later." She ran her hand through her short hair in momentary frustration, but the gesture lacked the passion with which she had done it while chasing Saren. "Then it had to wait, because I couldn't very well hound the Illusive Man for information. I did remember how ruthless Cerberus could be, and I couldn't afford to give away my weak points. Then they dropped me into Freedom's Progress. You of all people should know I couldn't leave without at least trying to find some information on what was happening. After that, when I got the _Normandy_, the very first stop I made was the Citadel to see Anderson. When he refused to give me any information about you, I figured you were on the kind of assignment where someone asking too many questions could get you killed." She stood at attention, the perfect impartial soldier, as if she were delivering a report on their supply of field rations. "I didn't like it, but you were out of reach, and I had—have—a job to do."

She had technically answered his question, but Kaidan wanted more than her overly logical reply. There was no way he was letting her get off that easily. He squared his jaw. He was going to get her to show some emotion again, even if it earned him a trip to the infirmary. "I wonder if the Lazarus Project really succeeded. Oh, you're living and breathing again, but she didn't bring you back just the way you were. You've gone cold, just like her."

Shepard bristled slightly, becoming even more rigid. "It wasn't anything Miranda did or didn't do. It was the fact that I had to come to terms with my whole world disappearing in what for me was the blink of an eye that changed me. I was forced to realize that stopping the Collectors, the _Reapers_, was more important than whatever I may want. That's just…the way things are. My death, and the subsequent lack of preparation on _anyone's_ part, only served to underscore just how much of an uphill battle I was facing. I have _work _to do, Kaidan. The consequences are too dire, and, if I screw up, there won't be a second resurrection. I have to make sure the Reapers are weak enough to be killed by the time the devil calls in my debts."

"You don't owe the devil anything. Even if you did, you've already paid twice over." He crossed the short distance between them. "Is that why your scars haven't completely healed? Chakwas's notes mention that positive thinking would heal them, and you still tend to do the honorable thing when given a choice, yet they're still there."

She backed away slightly. "I didn't think you were so superficial."

"Don't try to turn my words around. You know what I mean. You're packing all your feelings away and letting the eat you alive instead of dealing with them." He stopped, the obvious conclusion flooring him. "You're not dealing with them because you don't think you'll have to. You don't think you're going to survive the war, do you?"

She refused to meet his eyes. "Not really. This is the kind of fight that will require a great sacrifice to win. I will not ask anyone else to share that price with me by becoming involved…romantically, and I'm certainly not going to ask you to pay it a second time."

"If you die again, I'll still pay the price, even if you manage to keep me shut out." He cupped her cheek, trying to make her hear the truth of his words. She didn't respond to his touch, hardly even reacted, but there was a hint of emotion deep in her eyes. It was the only chink in her stone mask. That was where he had to hammer if he was going to break her out of her catatonia. "The Shepard I loved wouldn't give up that easily. She would fight harder than that, and win, because she can, and because living is worth fighting for." He stared into her familiar green eyes, latching on to the small trace of emotion growing in their depths, and kissed her gently. His body screamed for him to deepen the kiss, to crush her against him so that he could reassure himself she really was there and alive and _whole_, but he forced himself to remain gentle. Her being alive for the moment wouldn't matter if she didn't decide to fight for the possibility of a life after the war, so he pulled away slightly instead of allowing himself to try and claim what had once been his. "I know you're still in there somewhere, Sarah, and you still have that steadfast will and damned stubbornness that will bring everyone through this alive, yourself included. The determination not just to beat the enemy, but to truly _win_. You just have to have the will to want it."

Pulling away felt like the most unnatural thing in the universe. 'She has to make the decision to want it as much as I do if she's going to survive,' he told himself over and over as he made his way to the elevator.


	13. Ruins

Shepard checked her shotgun for the fourth time as the shuttle lurched through the turbulent atmosphere. As a soldier, she was proficient in and therefore carried five different weapons, but she tended to favor her assault or sniper rifles, even her pistol, anything other than the shotgun. Kaidan caught her eye then glanced to the Scimitar and raised his left eyebrow in a silent question.

She sighed and put it away again. "We've been looking for Prothean artifacts, and the Reapers may well know it. Chances are that they also know about any ruins where we'd be able to find another beacon or technology that would be of value, so we have to be prepared to encounter an entire contingent of husks. Good news is that, if we do, we're close to finding something of value. Bad news? There are usually a _lot_ of them, and it can be easy to get overwhelmed. Their armor, when they have it, is pretty weak. Let me take care of that. Otherwise, they tend to move in packs and are easily disoriented, so slamming them into each other or throwing things for them to trip on is a good idea. Watch out for anything with multiple heads or body parts. They're not as common, and they may not look very effective or dangerous, but every unit has been engineered for a specific purpose, and the reapers figured out how to give them some nasty abilities."

Kaidan gave a slight nod as the shuttle set down in a clearing about a click away from where EDI though she had detected some ruins. It was as close as the shuttle could get, and the short hike through the forest was uneventful but eerie. There was no wildlife that he could see or hear, just the distant murmur of the wind through branches over 50 feet above their heads and the crunch of dried plant material under their boots. He still couldn't believe that Miranda didn't want boots without heels. Or a hard suit. The woman was insane, but, as long as she pulled her own weight, Kaidan supposed it didn't really matter what she wore.

After about fifteen minutes of walking, the trees abruptly cut off at the base of a rocky cliff whose face had been carved into an intricate geometric pattern consisting mostly of equilateral triangles of varying sizes and depths. They advanced along the base until Shepard stopped so abruptly that Kaidan almost ran to her. She stared into one of the deeper cuts for a moment before igniting a flare. Even with the sputtering orange glow, they couldn't see the end of the shaft, so she threw the flare down the tunnel. It landed about thirty yards down…at the base of what looked like a large set of stairs. "Of _course_ the ruins are in a bloody great mountain," she sighed as they all pulled out more flares and made their way down the shaft.

They made several sharp turns as they ascended the stairs, the flights folding over themselves so that, by the time they reached the top, they were facing in the same direction as they started, and the passageway opened into an enormous underground vault. The strange glow that was emanating from several statues that reminded Kaidan of Ilos showed that they were on a walkway perhaps ten or fifteen yards wide that gently curved to the left and off into the darkness. One side, the side with the statues, was a simple rock wall that was punctuated by the occasional tunnel. On the other side, though, the walkway dropped off into a pit whose bottom was so far below as to be out of sight. 'What genius designed a walkway this high and didn't bother to put in a railing?' Kaidan wondered, then shrugged. 'Maybe it was Prothean natural selection.'

They followed the curve of the path for several minutes in silence until Shepard stopped abruptly alongside an entrance to a ramp that had been cut into the wall. Kaidan peered up through the shadows and noticed a large gaping window about twenty feet above their heads.

"Just like the command station on Ilos," Shepard said as they ascended into a chamber with a large console beneath the rectangular opening. Kaidan could hear the smug satisfaction in her voice as she approached the center of the console and hit a few controls. "Come on, Kaidan. I'll tell you what it's saying, you tell me what to push, and we'll have what we want and be out of here in no time."

They worked in concert for almost ten minutes while Miranda kept watch until they finally managed to extract the unit's memory and processing cores without frying either the tech or themselves. "You've gotten better at this kind of thing," Kaidan said as Shepard tucked the components into the carrier they had brought.

The corners of her mouth turned up at him. "I had to learn fast," she said as she handed him the case. "Until a few weeks after Horizon, Garrus was my tech expert, and, no offense to Garrus, the fine points of some systems just elude him. Nor could I always afford to take him with me." Miranda snorted, and Shepard frowned. "I _am_ sorry, Miranda, but, when we began the assault on the Collector base, more people trusted Garrus. It really wasn't that I thought him more capable than you, or that you didn't deserve to lead the other squad."

Miranda shifted uncomfortably and glanced at Kaidan. "We should be going," she muttered and turned on her heel.

They had made it about halfway back to the entrance shaft when a gasping sound resonated from the pit as well as several of the shafts cut into the wall, and husks started crawling over the ledge and down corridors. "How the _hell_ do they do that?" Shepard asked as she hit a husk in the head with a well-placed blast, sending him toppling backwards into the abyss. "They did this on the derelict Reaper, too. What do they even _hold on to_?"

Shepard was disturbingly efficient, alternating between short bursts of close-range fire and sidestepping melee attacks before finishing them with her omni-blade. Between her efficiency and Kaidan and Miranda's biotics, they made short work of the ambush.

Kaidan was inspecting the bodies when a low rasp echoed through the central chamber and one of the most deformed creatures he had ever seen shuffled out of a side tunnel, the giant blue sack wedged between two torsos making it stagger slightly as it moved towards them. It pulled its arm back and up, as if preparing a mnemonic. 'That can't be right,' he thought as he prepared to try and throw it off the platform. A shockwave of biotic energy came hurtling towards him the moment before Shepard collided with him and drove them both towards the wall and into cover behind a statue.

"Distract it for a minute," she said, holstering her shotgun and finding a handhold on the statue before stealing a glance at him out of the corner of her eye. "And watch out for that shockwave."

Shepard started to climb, and Kaidan peered around the corner. As Miranda threw a warp at the scion, he prepared a few attacks of his own, augmenting his biotics with several well-placed shots from his sidearm. Without warning, Shepard leapt off the statue, her omni-bade appearing in mid-air seconds before she drove it through the head, the force of her strike and her fall carrying the scion to the ground, where she landed in a crouch next to the still twitching body. She looked up at him, a huge grin on her face. "What's the matter, Staff Commander?" she teased while wiping a bit of slime off her armor. "Too messy for the likes of a master biotic such as yourself?"

She was joking. She was actually making a joke, one they had shared many times before, and, from the look Miranda gave her, this was a rare event indeed. It warmed his heart to see that his Shepard wasn't gone, not completely, and that she might have heard at least some of what he had said in engineering. Kaidan smiled and was preparing a snarky comeback when a tingle ran down his spine, making his biotics hum. He turned to find the source just as a scion they hadn't seen sent a shockwave straight at Shepard, catching her unprepared and knocking her towards that immense drop.

Kaidan was already sprinting towards her as Miranda let out a frantic "Shepard!" He slid and caught her wrist just before it disappeared over the edge. He threw up a barrier, his biotics still harmonizing with either Miranda's or the scion's or both, and reached for her other hand. He groaned at the weight of her and her armor but managed to hoist her up until she was able to rest her torso on the platform. The scion flew over their heads as she swung a leg up, flailing as it was swallowed by the blackness several yards out into the chasm, and Miranda appeared, offering a hand to help pull her the rest of the way out. Kaidan was reluctant to let go, even when she was completely on firm footing again, but she gave him a slight squeeze before turning to her CO.

They stared at each other in silence for a moment, Shepard with one hand on her left hip, Miranda with her arms folded across her chest. Finally, Shepard broke the silence. "I haven't seen a throw like that from you since Enyala."

"You're better than Niket," Miranda replied with a slight shrug. "Come on. Let's get out of here."

* * *

><p>Shepard wasn't in her quarters, at least, not unless she was completely ignoring his repeated knocking. Nor was she in the med bay, the com room, the armory, or the CIC. Kaidan hadn't thought that she would want or need to visit the gym, but that's where he found her viciously slugging away at a heavy grade punching bag.<p>

He leaned against the wall and waited for her to be ready to talk. She broke her steady rhythm for a series of extremely rapid jabs and hooks that she maintained until she was nearly out of breath and had to collapse against the bag. "I got sloppy," she said after allowing her heart rate to slow for a minute and peered at Kaidan out of the corner of her eye. "I'm _never_ sloppy."

"You're pushing yourself harder than anyone should ever have to be pushed because you're angry with yourself?" he asked, astounded at how self-critical she had become. "You made a single slip, so you're trying to shove everything you feel away again?"

She hit the bag with a left hook in frustration. "Yeah, but it's not _working_ this time. Normally this helps me burn off the excess adrenaline and allows me to regain control, but I'm not calm at all."

"And you think that's a bad thing."

"Yes that's a bad thing! I was distracted. I _cannot afford _to be distracted!"

"Shepard, a lot is at stake. I know you want to be perfect, but no one is. That's why you have a team you can trust and rely on. Having feelings is not a weakness. You just need some time to re-adjust to reacting to them and having the self-awareness in combat that you used to."

"Says the king of impartiality." Kaidan sprung off the wall, ready to confront her, but she let go of the bag and shook her head in self-derision. "I'm sorry, that wasn't fair. But you are always so calm it's maddening."

"No, I am just more subtle than you are and always have been, even before BAaT. You have always been volatile as long as I've known you, and trying to be anything else will take energy and concentration you cannot afford to be without right now."

"It's just so damned _difficult_," she muttered. "How is it you know me so well when I sometimes hardly even know myself?"

Kaidan gave a short laugh. "Because, when we were after Saren, you were so easy for me to read, and I spent a lot of time studying you. You may not believe it, but you are the same basic person you were back then." He glanced sideways in chagrin. "It just took me a while to be able to see and believe it."

She laughed and took a slight step towards him. "It amazes me that you're able to still have any faith at all, especially after how angry you were and how cold I've been."

He gave her a small smile and pulled her into a hug. "I think you'd have to completely re-wire my brain to change how I feel about you," he said as he buried his face in her neck. "I was so angry and guilt ridden about your death for a long time, but I held it in and refused to deal with it. It eventually got to the point where I could hardly feel it anymore, so I thought I was fine. But then you appeared out of nowhere on Horizon, and it all came to the surface, so I lashed out at you.

I just…I don't want to be angry anymore."

"I don't want to be angry either." She pulled away abruptly, frowning in concentration. "Wait, what did you say?"

"Uh…that I'm sorry?"

"No, no, there was something about re-wiring…"

"That you'd have to re-wire my brain to change—"

"The way you feel," she finished for him, a huge grin spreading across her face. "Kaidan, you brilliant brilliant man!" she exclaimed and kissed him in her enthusiasm. "Sovereign told us on Vermire that they 'are each a nation, independent, free of all weakness.' But, if each Reaper is a nation, then I think we can find a way to make _that_ their weakness. Come on," she said and grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the elevator. "We're going to need the whole team to work this one out."


	14. Prepare for Battle

Shepard's plan seemed relatively straightforward. They would use a virus—some combination of Liara and Tali's research on indoctrination with a synthetic virus the Geth had developed—to infect a Reaper. The difficult part would be adjusting it on the spot. Shepard though the Reapers might be like the Geth (made up of thousands of consciousnesses each, and therefore susceptible to self-division). The theory made some sense to Kaidan after she explained the horrific process of actually making one, but it was by no means a sure thing. They could well function as a single brain with a single point of view, which would require a different virus altogether. Even with taking two versions of the virus, adjustments would have to be made on the spot.

In spite of Tali and Legion's assurances that modifying the virus was possible, Shepard seemed grim. "Tali, how effective will your anti-indoctrination devices be while inside a Reaper itself?"

The quarian shook her head. "I'm not really sure. I can try and boost their signal strength, but we've only been able to test them against much weaker signals than what you are likely to encounter that close to the source." She looked worried. "It may only lessen the effects, or it may do nothing at all."

Shepard nodded and glanced around the room, pausing a moment to look each of her squad members in the eye. "Kaidan will lead Tali and Legion as the tech team. I will lead Kasumi, Garrus, and Liara as the first diversion team. Miranda will lead Grunt, Thane, and Vega as the second diversion team. Hopefully, the two diversion teams will be able to give you three enough time to not only disable the Reaper we will be boarding but transmit it to a majority of the Reaper fleet as well.

"I have asked a lot of each of you. You all had your own reasons for joining, or for staying. Some of you went through the Omega 4 Relay with me, but all of you know what we're up against. No more running. No more waiting. They came here to annihilate our species and all sapient life in this galaxy. They didn't count on our resistance being as successful as it's been, they didn't count on any of the Protheans surviving their genocide, and they won't be counting on this. We have some advantage in that they underestimate us, but do not make the mistake of underestimating them. If you become indoctrinated, if you put the mission at risk, each of you needs to be willing to die, and you cannot hesitate to kill someone who used to be your friend. Anything less, and you're already dead.

"It has been an honor serving with each and every one of you. I could not have asked for a better crew. We are about twenty hours out. Take some time for yourselves, but be ready to report in at least eighteen hours from now, if not sooner, should something decide to surprise us. Everyone's dismissed, except Jack and Zaeed."

Kaidan hung back as everyone else filed out of the com room, but Shepard caught his eye and shook her head. He frowned and left reluctantly. Whatever she had to talk to those two about must have been confidential, but he wasn't thrilled about having to wait to talk to her about his squad assignment. He certainly wasn't going to let her avoid talking about it, but he wasn't sure how long she was going to be, and moping about the hallway like a dog put out in the rain wasn't going to solve anything.

He went to the armory to finish the maintenance of his weapons and armor. He wasn't he only one who had the idea it seemed, as Garrus, Thane, Vega, and even Liara were tinkering with their own gear on various surfaces. It was difficult finding room on a workbench, but Garrus made some room for him.

After about thirty minutes, Kaidan decided there really wasn't any use in checking the plating on his armor a third time or completely stripping his pistol again, so he put everything away neatly in the most easily accessible manner as possible and took the elevator down to the crew deck. Shepard was just leaving the Starboard Observation deck as Kaidan was getting out of the elevator, and she walked towards him. "Just seeing how Samara was settling back in," she said, her face carefully neutral.

Kaidan frowned. Something was up. "What did you need Jack and Zaeed for?" he asked.

"They are the most disciplined and best observers of the people remaining on the ship. I need them to make sure there are no breaches. We definitely don't need to succeed only to come back to a problem here."

Her face still seemed painstakingly composed, and Kaidan's frown deepened. There was something she wasn't telling him, but finding out exactly what was not as important as getting her to change his squad assignment. "Shepard…can we talk? Privately?"

The corners of her mouth turned up slightly. "I have an office attached to my quarters. Will that do?"

Kaidan nodded, and his pulse quickened a moment before he shook himself. 'Business first,' he had to remind himself as they got in the elevator. 'Squad reassignment. Then maybe, afterward…'

The elevator opened into a small hallway with only a single other door. 'Are her quarters really the only thing on this entire level?' he wondered. Kaidan had realized weeks ago that the captain's cabin, like the rest of the ship, had probably been significantly upgraded. He had even allowed himself to fantasize about it a few times, but he hadn't imagined anything as large as an entire floor.

"I was never fond of being this close to the hull," Shepard said as she hit the holo-lock, "but it's hard to argue with an entire deck to yourself. Or having your own full shower." The door slid open, revealing impressively spacious quarters. Several delicate-looking fish glided through an enormous tank, past which Kaidan could see what had to be the biggest bed ever installed in a military vessel. Shepard turned into an alcove to the right and perched on the edge of her desk in the back corner near a glass case that held several beautiful model ships; both iterations of the _Normandy_, Quarian, Turian, Alliance, and Geth cruisers, the _Destiny Ascension_, Sovereign, and a few others he didn't recognize. "Did you assemble all these yourself?" he asked. With the level of detail in the paint and the cleanliness of the glue lines, it would have taken her hours to complete each one.

"I needed something to do with my hands. I wasn't sleeping very much, there was a lot of time to kill while cruising from one planet to the next, and you can really only spend so many hours in the gym." She leaned towards the case, trying to catch his eye and arching an eyebrow at him. "You wanted to talk about something?" she asked.

He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. "I think someone else should lead the tech team."

Her mouth fell open slightly. "What?" she asked, seeming genuinely baffled.

"Legion can lead the tech squad just as well as I could."

She laughed. "What's this? Now you trust the geth?"

"I've heard the stories. Garrus loves to tell them. Legion has saved your life enough times to engender a little faith on my part."

She shook her head. "While I appreciate that you've come around, Legion cannot lead the team. He will be too busy adapting the virus to be an effective leader."

"I could switch squads with Garrus, then. I know you don't think his tech skills are as good as mine, but he does sometimes see things Tali or I would miss, and he's more suited to keeping guard—"

She held up her hand to stop him. "Kaidan, I don't see why—"

"I'm not letting you send me away," he almost yelled, making them both go still for a moment. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at his feet, slightly embarrassed at his outburst. "Not like on the night you died," he muttered. "Not when there's another option that will work just as well."

Her hand gently touched his face as her other arm snaked around his waist to pull him into a hug. His arms circled her shoulders and crushed her to him, his eyes closing as the gentle floral fragrance of her shampoo—one of the only luxuries she had ever allowed herself, other than her secret pedicures—enveloped him. He felt her lips curl into a smile where they rested against the base of his neck. "I thought you always left yourself an out," she whispered. "Even on a sure thing."

"Maybe I don't want to have an out anymore." He pulled back and cradled her face in his hands. "And I don't want you to have one, either."

She smiled and kissed his forehead before moving to a console by the door to have EDI open a channel to Garrus. Without her body there to block it anymore, Kaidan's picture stared up at him from the desk. His fingers felt numb as he picked up the frame. It was the picture taken for his personnel file just before he reported to the original _Normandy_, probably one of the very few pictures that existed of him from the last five plus years. 'How long has this been sitting here, staring at her?' he wondered.

"Not the best picture of you, but it's all I could find the first time I visited the Citadel," she said, surprising him as she hugged him from behind. He set the picture down and turned in her embrace, catching her lips with his own and lifting her off the ground. She groaned and he felt her tongue against his lips, teasing the edges until he opened his mouth over hers and filled himself with the taste of her.

He set her down, his hands eager to touch more of her, but she fisted her fingers in his shirt first and dragged it over his head before grabbing him by the belt and pulling him towards the bed. He managed to get her shirt off as well and was kissing a line down her neck when she said, "We really shouldn't reserve this just for special occasions like, you know, right before a mission where we think we might die. I'm sure there are other times when it would be appropriate. Birthdays. Galactic holidays. Days that end in _y_…"

She trailed off as he found the clasp of her bra and slid it slowly off her shoulders, his lips following the strap down her right arm until he could plant a series of kisses along the scar under her ribcage. "This is looking a lot better," he said, glad that the increased healing he had noticed in her facial scars had also translated to the more grievous wounds. He continued kissing along her ribs while he loosened her bootlaces and unfastened her belt.

"And when, may I ask, did you see it in the first place?" she asked, her fingers tightening in his hair when his lips found the sensitive spot in the hollow of her hip bone as he slid the rest of her clothes down her legs.

Finally satisfied with the state of her undress, he threw her on the bed and followed her down. "When I was spying on you through the med bay windows after your bout with Grunt," he said before taking one of her eager nipples in his mouth and teasing it to an aching peak, making her arch her back and grind her hips against his erection. He groaned as her legs folded around him and released the nipple, blowing on it gently and making her back arch like a drawn bow.

"I think," she gasped, tearing at his belt, "that you're a little overdressed for this occasion."

He gave her a sly smile. "Aye aye, ma'am," he said, standing to discard the rest of his clothes as quickly as possible before re-joining her on the bed. He groaned as he settled between her thighs once more and leaned over to nibble on the sensitive spot where her earlobe met her neck. All at once, she thrust her hips upwards, rolling him over onto his back and straddling him. He stared up into her eyes, one of his hands curling around her forearm and the other around her hip as she slowly took him into herself inch by agonizing inch until her warmth enveloped him entirely. She sighed in relief and stretched her arms over her head, making her breasts look absolutely perfect.

"Sarah," he groaned, unable to take anymore. He rolled them over until she was back underneath him once more and began to drive into her with a force that made them both moan low in their throats. Her eyes were closed, the ecstasy on her face mirroring his own. "Sarah," he said again, knowing they were both close to exploding. "Sarah, look at me."

She opened her eyes, and the expression he saw there stole his breath. She was completely stripped of the hard façade she wore as a soldier, the vulnerable heart of her more exposed than it had been even on their night before Ilos. "Kaidan," she called to him as she teetered on the edge, fine tremors already running up and down her body. He reached between the and reverently brushed his fingertips over a nipple, toppling them both into the abyss.

He collapsed onto his side, pulling her with him and holding her close while their breathing slowed. "I love you, Kaidan," she said, her voice thick from being on the verge of falling asleep.

"I love you too," he replied as he pulled her closer. "Until the end of time."

* * *

><p>AN: Only one or two more chapters after this one (I ended up combining a few that were shorter than I thought they would be) plus a final author's note. Things that are tiding me over for the next 48-ish hours, other than writing this fanfiction:<p>

Some pretty awesome fan art I discovered while surfing Tumblr, but particularly:

.com/art/We-Fight-or-We-Die-258046023

.com/art/ME-Shepard-and-Alenko-281162307

and a song about ME3 in general that I can't get out of my head—in a good way ("Ah Yes Reapers" and "Alenko" are my favorite, but they're all pretty fantastic)

/bumblebeepixie


	15. Assault

Kaidan woke up on his side, one arm still hooked around Shepard's waist. She was still fast asleep, lying on her back with one arm flung up over her head and snoring ever so softly. There were still several hours before they would have to report in, so Kaidan propped himself up on one arm and simply enjoyed watching her sleep.

After several minutes, her eyes started moving back and forth beneath their lids, and the lazy smile that had been on her lips disappeared, replaced by a frown that also put a small indentation between her eyebrows. She let out a low, pained groan, and her eyes snapped open in a complete panic. Kaidan reached up to cup her cheek with his hand, and her stare darted to his face. It took her a moment to get her bearings, but she relaxed after a moment, relief replacing her fear as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "I really, _really_ hate that window sometimes," she muttered as she rolled onto her side to snuggle closer to him. "I get that ships can be a little claustrophobic, but really? Who puts a gigantic window in a room designed for someone who's been _spaced_ before? If I ever find out…"

"I'm sure they thought it would be sexy. Or they wanted to show off their engineering skills." He rubbed her back tenderly. "Were you…dreaming about it?"

She sighed and pressed her face even deeper into his neck. "I don't really have nightmares anymore, but sometimes, when I'm half asleep…" She pulled back and smiled up at him. "But sleeping on the couch was getting old. And I couldn't very well let this bed go to waste."

Kaidan laughed and rolled on top of her. "Now that _would_ be a crime. As would neglecting your aforementioned shower."

She gave him a sly wink and wrapped her legs around him once more. "I think the shower can wait a little longer, don't you?" she said, pulling his head down for a long kiss.

* * *

><p>Kaidan checked the fit of his bracers one more time as he entered the shuttle bay. They weren't scheduled to leave for another thirty minutes, and he had thought he would be the first person there, but Shepard and Garrus had arrived before him. "Tali and Legion need protection, too," she was telling the turian.<p>

"Yeah, but they usually don't get in trouble as much as you do," Garrus replied.

Shepard laughed and winked at him. "For this mission, that's my job." Then her face became somber once more. "They are more important on this mission, Garrus. We may not get another chance like this. They cannot fail."

Garrus nodded reluctantly. "If you do something stupid and get yourself killed, I am going to kick your ass." He gave her a small smile and put his hand on her shoulder. "Go out there and give them hell. You were born to do this." He glanced over to where Kaidan stood in the doorway. "Take care of her, Alenko."

Kaidan gave him the slightest of smiles in response. "Always."

* * *

><p>Shepard made her way down the final corridor before what they thought would be the Reaper equivalent of a bridge, Kaidan flanking her right, Liara and Kasumi her left. Already they had dispatched several scions, a pair of brutes, a praetorian, and more husks and cannibals than Kaidan could count, but the lack of any apparent defense in the final stretch unnerved him. 'Even with the other distraction team making an equal amount of trouble, there should be more here to stop us,' Kaidan thought, looking around for hidden turrets, side corridors filled with more husks, anything.<p>

Shepard slowed to a stop fifty yards from the doorway. "Do you see something Shepard?" he asked. She was rigid, the muscles in her arms trembling slightly from the strain. Concerned, he moved towards her, but a low whine started resonating from somewhere, making his head throb slightly. 'She doesn't love you,' a voice like shearing metal said at the back of his head. 'She never loved you. She didn't even want you with her. She wanted Garrus, because she knew you would be able to stop her from betraying you all.' Kaidan put his hands to his head. 'You're wrong,' he thought, trying to push through the static. 'Shepard would _never_ betray her cause. She wouldn't betray me.'

He fell to his knees as the squeal increased in strength. 'She never wanted to win the war. If she had, she could have done so. Months ago. She wants you all to fail. Kill her. Kill her, before she kills you.' His body prepared a mnemonic, ready to lash out, but he managed to hold it in check with what felt like his last ounce of willpower. 'KILL HER,' the voice insisted, the noise becoming an unbearable howl clawing inside his skull.

He felt hands on either side of his helmet, making him look up into her beautiful green eyes. "Fight it, Kaidan," she said, her voice breaking slightly. "Don't let them beat us." A single tear rolled down her cheek as she searched his face, surely dreading losing him in a way that was infinitely more horrific than how he had lost her.

'I love you, Sarah,' he thought as he closed his eyes and fought against the indoctrination with renewed strength. 'I love her, and that is the one thing no one will _ever_ be able to take away from me. Get out of my head you _liar_,' he snarled and pushed against the screeching as hard as he could. Suddenly, something snapped, making the noise disappear and sending Kaidan reeling, his vision blurring.

A scream of rage erupted from his left, and Kaidan struggled to regain his bearings. He stood, his eyes watering but his vision clear enough. Kasumi snarled, rebounding from the wall she had been hurled into, and disappeared under her tactical cloak. Shepard stilled, her head turning slowly, listening. Suddenly, she spun, her omni-blade springing to life and then disappearing into a haze that had been directly behind her.

Kasumi re-appeared, swaying for a moment. Shepard caught the thief as she fell, fighting with the hands that were clawing weakly at her throat even as she lowered the other woman to the ground as gently as possible. Kasumi fought to the last, a nasty sneer on her lips even as the woman who had been her friend—her close friend—had to restrain her with a tender but unyielding grip. Shepard closed the thief's eyes and bowed her head a moment. "Be with Keiji, my friend," she whispered.

Kaidan looked around, suddenly noticing Liara's absence. He frantically rushed to her side when he saw that she was slumped against the wall, unconscious but—thankfully—still alive. Shepard appeared at his elbow as he retrieved a tube of medigel from his belt and applied it to the lump forming on her brow. "She'll be ok," he said after running a few scans with his omni-tool. "But this is going to be painful when she comes to."

Shepard only allowed herself a mere moment before she stood up, her shoulders rigid and square. "Come on," she said and moved towards the bridge, her resolve building with each step. "Let's finish this. Now."

* * *

><p>Sorry I haven't updated in so long. I've been grappling with the ending (both what I had originally intended for this fic and the game's). I've decided to adjust mine slightly from what it was going to be originally—because we've had enough sadness in our lives—but it isn't going to be too far off of what I had originally planned. It won't be sunshine and rainbows. But it won't make you want curl into a ball and die, either. And it will not address my views or feelings on the game's end because, in the end, this fiction is a separate world from ME3, and was always intended to be (no matter how tempted I have been to modify it).<p>

Hopefully I've shaken off the funk I've been in since finishing the game and I'll be updating more often again.


	16. Endgame

Endgame (_noun_): _Chess_: the final stage of the game, usually following the exchange of queens and the serious reduction of forces.

* * *

><p>The 'bridge' of the Reaper was unlike any other ship. A wide, windowless wall curved gently around a massive…conduit that seemed to barely contain the raw power surging vertically from floor to ceiling. Though Kaidan supposed that a fully sentient machine didn't really need a pilot, much less a windshield. Or consoles. It might even have been advanced enough to not need mechanics for repairs.<p>

Shepard scanned the room through the scope of her rifle, puzzled at the lack of any discernable targets but alert nonetheless. Kaidan approached the conduit, his pistol lowering as he began to examine the strange tech, searching for a weakness as Shepard circled around to the right, doing the same. She disappeared from view behind the beam, and the power surged to near blinding brilliance. He shielded his eyes with his forearm, his call for Shepard drowned in the crackle of static. He scrambled blindly towards her, nearly knocking her over when they suddenly collided, but they managed to recover by wrapping their arms around each other's waists.

"Shepard," a metallic voice grated from the beam beside them. She turned to confront the form that had appeared in the energy—brighter streaks giving the suggestion of a few sets of eyes and a broad mouth. "I have heard so much about you. And the stories did not disappoint." The Reaper paused. "You may call me…Arbiter."

"Let me guess," Shepard started, her voice thick with disdain as her arm tightened around Kaidan's waist. "'The cycle can't be stopped. I cannot even comprehend what is coming.' I think I've heard it all from Sovereign or Harbinger. I doubt you have anything new to add."

The Reaper chuckled, startling them both. "Your ignorance is amusing. Before you destroyed the one you knew as Sovereign, we believed the asari were the pinnacle of this galaxy's current cycle. But you have proven more adept than any other being of your time, even if your species is rather…primitive, in comparison."

"Amusing?" Kaidan whispered, feeling the shiver that ran down Shepard's spine. "Since when is a Reaper _amused_?"

"Some believed," Arbiter continued, ignoring Kaidan completely, "that you were too dangerous for us to allow you to live, but most of us were intrigued. In the end, it was decided that you, the only one who had managed to delay the coming of the end of a cycle, would make a most formidable Reaper."

"What do you mean, _me_? I've seen what's involved in your version of _reproduction_," she sneered. "What an offer! But I think I'll pass."

"What you encountered at the Collector Base was incomplete. It was an empty form, devoid of a ruling consciousness, a singular being to give all others meaning." The eyes closed for a moment in a long blink, as if savoring a memory before reopening. "It is an existence you cannot yet comprehend," Arbiter said. "It is something close to what your ancestors would have called Enlightenment. Or perhaps Transcendence."

Shepard scowled. "If you wanted me specifically, then why did the Collectors kill me in the first place?"

"Having you alive was preferable, but dead would have sufficed as well. So long as your organic matter didn't decay too far. But the Protheans failed to retrieve your body, so we had to find other means of recovering you from the asari before you were beyond recovery."

"No…"

"Do you really think that humans could have unlocked the technology to resurrect you by themselves? The Illusive Man revived you with _our_ help. Though we underestimated his fanaticism, his dedication to bettering your pathetic species. Instead of giving you to us, he enabled you to be a continuing _annoyance_."

Shepard shook her head in denial, her hands suddenly scrabbling at the seals on her helmet. Kaidan's arms tightened around her as she bared herself to the Reaper. "I don't care what your plans were. I don't care what you wanted me for. I will _end you_, not become one of you. I like my life—the lives of all humans—just the way it is."

Arbiter considered the two humans for a moment, and almost smirked at them. "You would not be in need of a mate. Though we understand the attachment. He could always be with you. A part of you."

"You mean you would _liquefy him_ and feed him through tubes with MILLIONS of other humans," Shepard roared, her helmet shaking and her free fist clenching and unclenching in her uncontrollable rage. "YOU CAN GO TO HELL!" She threw her helmet through the beam, causing the face to flicker as she pulled out her rifle and unloaded a clip into the deck around the conduit.

Arbiter started laughing, his face reappearing in the unscathed beam. "You certainly have a fighting spirit. You will make a great general, once you accept the reality of the universe."

Shepard growled low in her throat as she tried to come up with a retort, but Kaidan realized something was emitting a low whine. He looked around, noticing one of the panels at the base of the conduit had come lose, revealing complex circuitry. He crouched and rended the panel from its welds with the help of his biotics. Shepard kneeled down next to him as he ran some diagnostics with his omni-tool. After a moment, she grinned up at the disembodied face and pulled out her omni-blade. "This kind of looks important."

She was about to plunge the blade into the panel, but Kaidan grabbed her arm, his eyes wide. 'Does she ever think before acting?' he wondered, relieved that he had prevented her from being electrocuted without any real protection. "Shepard," he warned, "you don't know what kind of power is running through this thing. You could electrocute yourself." She twisted her lips at him and nodded her thanks before turning back to face Arbiter.

Shepard pulled her arm back again, but froze mid-descent as the Reaper started shrieking, streaks of black tearing into the brilliant light of the beam. "_What have you done?_"

"Shepard-Commander," Legion crackled over their com. "The virus is fully uploaded and transmitting."

She grinned. "Great timing, Legion. Everyone fall back to the Normandy. Immediately."

"Understood, Commander," Miranda said.

"You got it, Shepard," Garrus echoed.

Shepard hit a few commands on her omni-tool, switching to a private channel. "Jack? Zaeed?"

"We're here, Commander," the mercenary replied gruffly, Kaidan's eyes narrowing. 'So much for them watching the Normandy,' he thought.

"Time to pack up and go home," Shepard told them. "Are you in position?"

"We're all set down here," Zaeed grated.

She nodded. "Okay, you two." She checked her omni-tool. "Four minutes. Time to haul ass."

"On it," Jack replied the moment before the channel went dead.

Kaidan frowned at Shepard. "They're not on the _Normandy_. Are they."

She gave Kaidan an apologetic look. "They are not." She rested a hand on his shoulder. "I couldn't be sure who would be able to resist the indoctrination, if it would be a problem…"

Kaidan removed his glove and cupped her cheek, trying to will the shame out of her eyes with his touch. "I understand," he told her. Shepard smiled at him and removed own glove so she could twist her fingers in his. "C'mon," Kaidan said as he started to stand. "Let's get out of here." He was pulled short, so he looked down at her, realizing she had made no move to stand.

He tried to pull her up, but she just shook her head. "I can't, Kaidan. I have to be sure." Her eyes drifted towards the exposed console. "Arbiter must be destroyed. Beyond a shadow of a doubt."

He knelt down, tearing off his helmet so he could rest his forehead against hers, their eyes locked. If this was the end, he couldn't stand for there to be any barriers between them. He removed his remaining glove and laced both of his hands around her vulnerable one, her omni-blade flashing to life as he spread a barrier over both of them.

The Reaper's screams had quieted to mere static by the time Shepard turned to face it again. "I don't know if you can still hear me, but tell your friends we're coming for them," she snarled. Kaidan's barrier flared the brightest it had ever been the moment before Shepard plunged her blade into the panel and their world went black.

* * *

><p>Waking up was difficult. It felt like his entire body had turned into marble, and struggling against the weight of his own limbs was near impossible.<p>

But there was a reason he needed to. He just couldn't quite remember.

A tight ball of sensation started to unfurl in each of his fingertips, sending tendrils of feeling up his arms, making a tiny muscle below his elbow twitch uncomfortably. He groaned internally, fighting against his own unwilling body. A dull echoing started in his ears but finally resolved into the whirring and distant blips of machines. He strained his neck, the muscles protesting as they moved his head no more than a fraction of an inch as he fought against his eyelids.

Somewhere, probably a lot closer than it seemed, an alarm started blaring, followed by the sound of pounding feet. A pair of cool fingers grasped his wrist, and he though he could hear a voice calling his name. When he finally managed to open his eyes, Chakwas was standing over him, her lips moving slightly as she counted out his heart rate.

Everything came flooding back, and Kaidan panicked. He fought with stiff muscles as he frantically searched his surroundings, only relaxing a fraction when he found Shepard lying in her own bed not too far to his left, eyes closed and attached to too many tubes for Kaidan's liking.

"Shepard," he croaked, trying to get up, reaching for her until a gentle hand pressed him back to his own bed far to easily.

"Kaidan," Chakwas said again, and this time he heard her much more clearly. "You need to rest. You've been out for a long time, and you need to take things slowly."

He just grimaced and extended his arm until he could snag Shepard's fingers and lace them with his own before he turned back to the doctor. "What…happened?"

"Both of you got a pretty good shock to your nervous systems."

"I came to because of an explosion," Liara said as she entered the Normandy's med bay, "and somehow managed to use my biotics get the two of you back in time." She smirked slightly as she leaned against the wall on Shepard's other side. "Well, that, and apparently Garrus refused to leave the Reaper until everyone made it back, so he was able to meet me half way back to help me carry you both."

"Thanks," Kaidan croaked, his eyes fixed on Shepard's hand and the way it looked so fragile as it lay limply in his. "The Reapers…are they…?"

"They're vulnerable now," Liara said, beaming with pride. "Most have been destroyed, in fact. The rest are fleeing, but they're too confused to really be able to evade anyone looking for them for much longer."

"Is…when will…Shepard…"

Liara walked towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder for a moment as she looked down at him. "Shepard had some burns on her left arm, but seemed about the same as you apart from." She tried a smile, but her usual warmth wasn't behind it. "Just give it some time. And don't worry about the war. Just focus on recovering."

He nodded and turned back towards Shepard, cold fingers wrapping around his heart as she breathed steadily but remained otherwise motionless. Chakwas spent a few more minutes taking both their vitals before finally patting his shoulder and whispering, "I'll leave you two in peace, but there's a button here that will alert me should you need anything at all." The doctor dimmed the lights, tinted the med bay windows, and made her way towards the crew quarters after one final glance over her shoulder.

Kaidan started, having dozed off at some point, looking around for whatever had woken him up. The infirmary was as silent as before, the distant hum of the engines soothing as they slid through space…

Shepard's fingers twitched against his own, making his heart leap in his chest. Ignoring the doctor's warnings, he sat up carefully and, making sure not to pull on his IV, made his way to sit on the edge of her bed. "Shepard?" he said, stroking the side of her face with the tips of her fingers before leaning down to rest his forehead against hers. "Sarah?" he whispered against her lips, willing her eyelids to open. "Baby, please. Come back to me." He kissed her softly, his own eyes sliding shut as he tried to hold in his desperation. "I can't do this without you."

"I wouldn't dream of asking you to," a soft voice croaked against his lips, making him sit bolt up right, his eyes snapping open and immediately locking on hers. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry as he pulled her close, his arms tightening when he felt hers wrap around his waist. "Besides," she added as she tucked her nose deeper into the crook of his neck, "there's so much time I need to make up for, so many things I want to do…"

Kaidan pulled her head back and kissed her softly as images flashed behind his eyes: a house in Vancouver, _their _house; a vacation somewhere tropical, Shepard in a bikini for a swim in the cool blue water; a small gathering of their closest friends as he slipps a simple band on her finger; so many images filled with promise and joy.

"I know exactly what you mean," he murmured before dipping his head to kiss her again.

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><p>Thank you guys so much for hanging on for this last chapter.<p>

It has been incredibly difficult for me to write in the wake of post-game feelings, but I hope that it was satisfying and worth the wait. I've loved writing this fic, and all the fantastic feedback from you all. Look me up on tumblr (.com) or xbox (screencraZe43) if you want :)


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